We're in the midst of this quandry, too. Some people say just close your eyes and jump in. I dunno, having one great, but a hand full of a kid makes the decision doubly hard. Good luck, whatever you decide.

And am I really first?!?

You are going through EXACTLY what I am going through...and so I relate all too much. My daughter turns two TODAY, and I always said I wanted my children three years apart. I need to get crackin' this fall.

We can't afford it...but we couldn't afford my daughter and we made it work. Luckily you don't have to worry about daycare, because that's what we really can't afford. So the question is, Do I go part-time? My sanity won't let me be a SAHM...

I have the itch, but I don't think I have the mental stability to add to the craziness around me.

I say, WAIT until you absolutely can't handle it....then you're ready! I want more children, but I don't want to not enjoy them like I did my daughter.

You can only try to plan for the big picture, you can't control it. If the depression comes back, you have experience under your belt. You'll be able to get help immediately rather than months down the road.

Tough questions. Very tough decision. But I'm sure that whatever you do, it will be the right decision.

Those are such great questions and real concerns, but I for one think that you are definitely one of those moms that doesn't think they have it together when in fact you do.

As for, can you handle more than one, let me share a piece of advice my Grandmother gave me when I was first considering being a foster parent (single and with no children) always have two.

Two children will keep each other company when they are older, sure there will be the squabbles and disagreements, but while they're busy playing and fighting with eachother you can be sneaking a drink in the kitchen, and that alone makes it worth it.

Get out of my head, woman.

The 'what ifs' never, ever stop, do they? Sheesh.

When my husband and I got pregnant for the first time, the what ifs CONSUMED me - couldn't sleep at night, wondering about college funds and the fact that I didn't know how to bake bread and by God where I grew up bread making is what mothers DID and HOW am I EXPECTED to be a MOTHER and NOT BAKE BREAD?!?

Three months later we miscarried. Then we were devastated.

I realized that the questions will never, ever be answered, but even better - my sainted, bread making mother had the same damn questions. She didn't answer them either. I'm so freaking happy she didn't, because having three girls and then a boy in relatively close ages is NOT where the answers would have pointed her.

You'll make the decision that's right for you. Best of luck in your journey there.

Then I realized that

Birth control fails. Condoms fail. God will decide when it's time for you to expand your family.

I've got three kids. Hell, if I can do it, you sure can! Throw caution to the wind! Breed your little heart out!

Ah, the old Mormon announce-the-pregnancy-with-a-cheesy-gift technique. I spend every Christmas morning in a state of permanent cringe in anticipation of one or more of my nineteen-year-old cousins giving her mother a baby rattle. Gah.

I do. Don't. If you have all of these doubts put the idea, at very least on hold. Enjoy the people in your life. If you feel the need to stick baby's heads in your mouth become a candy striper in a maternity ward. Personally, if I knew there was a chance of twins, I would immediately get a hysterectomy. My cousin had a toddler and then had twin boys and she says she doesn't remember the first two years of their lives, it was a blur. Enjoy Leta and John, life is short. Is the only thing you want to experience is midnight terror screams and changing diapers? YIKES!!

Ummm, how about adopting a two year old? ;-)

From experience...your Dr. can keep you on something like Prozac while you're pregnant and/or nursing. Once you are done with that step you can go back on your regular stuff.

It was a hard adjustment at first...but my body got used to it and I did pretty well.

I wake up every morning praying I'm not unknowingly pregnant. My beautiful five-month-old is more than enough. Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to function before the baby.. when I still had a half of brain to focus on things like work and drinking.

Do these thoughts of yours mean you're thinking of PLANNING a pregnancy. Do you know anyone who's planned them? I can't figure out how they do that. I say OMG, holy effing fertility, and Hooray! if babiness happens again, but planning one is sheer insanity.

I won't be so bold as to suggest how many children you should or shouldn't have, but I will say this: know your limitations. Mine are such that I have two children and a still-healing vasectomy. The one-to-one parent-to-child ratio is the only set of odds I'm willing to accept. Beyond that, fuggedaboutit.

I thought for sure you would say at the end of the post that you're preggo.

Anyways, the way I look at things [as a gay male who obviously has ALL the knowledge on this matter] is that if you think bringing another child into this world, more specifically your household [a very loving and nurturing environment], and it's something you are excited about, then do so. You said yourself you are in mom mode, which might detract from many of the scary situations that occured in the first experience. Leta is still alive and well, as are you and Jon. I think that's a positive.

Plus, you've got a bigger support system than most. How many readers? 35,000? And if anyone comments or emails negatively, you can just erase or delete them, which is a privilege very few have.

You made it through once, and now you're better off for it.

And imagine the blog fodder.

I've been struggling with this exact issue for at least a year. My son is two months older than Leta and I'll be 35 soon...but I also had PPD and the thought of subjecting everyone to that again makes me queasy. Every time I think I might be pregnant I panic; every time I know I'm not pregnant I get weepy. I keep wondering if I should wait to have another one until I feel as 100% sure as I did before becoming pregnant the first time. But now that I know what pregnancy and parenthood really involves, I'm not so sure I would ever feel that blissfully naive again. I envision Christmas morning or Disney World vacation in, say, 2012, and I see two kids there; I'm just not real clear on how to get there from here without leaving my sanity at the side of the road. Good luck in your decision, Armstrongs, and thanks for sharing your ambivalence....it's good to know I'm not alone.

I have these kinds of thoughts (and many more) about whether to have children at all. Whether a child would fit into our lives, and how; whether we'd be ok with that much change; whether I would psychologically be able to handle the body changes, the lack of sleep, the anxiety.

Right now, all things considered, for me the answer remains a clear and firm, "No" (even though Baby Head Smell clouds my thinking at times). That may change; but I am open to the possibility that it won't.

There is a lot of pressure to have children, and then to have more children; but no one can decide for you what's right for you and your spouse. Incidentally, you and I are the same age (both valedictorians, Class of '93 - woot!), and, relatively speaking, we're quite young. There is time.

i just wanted to thank you for posting these types of things
i dont have kids yet and i dont know if i will
your blog (save for a few of my closest friends) is the only thing that makes me feel sane for not knowing if i want kids or not
i am hugely afraid of failing, and have spent a great deal of my life waiting for 'perfect' moments. the right time to do X,Y, and Z. there is no perfect time, i know this in theory of course.
i read through your archives and i just feel so much more NORMAL for not knowing, and for being totally scared at the thought of creating a human being.
most women act like i'm a alien if i'm not dropping eggs at the mere mention of the word 'baby'

thank you so much heather
whatever you decide for your family, you have shown how strong you are and how much love your family has for you, and you will make it through

Do it for Leta. This is a bit morbid, but when you are gone, who will be her best friend? A brother or sister would be a better replacement for when you are gone than just some person she discovers for a friend by random chance.

For me the second time around has been completely different than the first time. DD#1 was considered a "difficult baby". She was a screamer, didn't like to be held, generally was pissed off most of the time. She had gross motor skill delays that required a lot of therapy. Of course all this made me love her even more but it was hard to get through all that stuff. When we decided to try again I found out I was broken. We ended up needing a little help from a specialist and 2 years later I have one of the easiest babies I could ever imagine. I think it's a combination of babe being mellow and me being even more mellow because I've been there and done that. When I see the bond form between my two girls I know that it was meant to be. It's truly a beautiful sight to see.

After having a baby I assumed that anyone that CHOOSES to have another is out of their mind. I promptly made the appointment for a 10 yr. IUD, (love it btw) thinking that I am 110 percent sure I never want to go through that again. Now, it's more like 75 percent. Our son is 2, our dog doesn't get the attention she once did, and our family feels pretty full.

When I start to think about those fuzzy little heads I quickly remind myself of the woman at the swimming pool, 8 months preggers with the stretch marks down to her ankles. Our son was 5 weeks early so he saved me alot of that end bit----but still, who wants to get up in the night to pee a thimble full every two hours?

Was it Woody Allen that said, "Just because you can have them doesn't mean you should?" That's my mindset for the moment. I shudder when I think of the generation that squirted them out EVERY YEAR because there was no such thing as birth control. Damn!

I was just wondering the other day if you and Jon planned on having any more kids. I don't know why, I don't usually spend my time thinking about people I've never met before. Actually, that's not true at all. It's good that you are looking at all the complicated factors, but maybe only time will tell. Maybe one day the decision to have another baby or not to have another baby will make absolute sense to you. Whatever you and Jon decide, it will all work out and I wish your family the best.

I always thought that the hubby-thing and I would have three kids-- my daughter Rhi, and a precocious pair of fraternal twins or something.

Then I had Rhi, and took a year or so off of reality to shake the post-partum depression thing. On my own. Without any medical insurance or anti-depressants to fall back on.

Now that Rhi is seven, she's just past the age where I wanted to have that second (and/or third) bundle of joy, to mimic the age difference between my elder brother and I. No way in hell I'm strong enough to do that, though.

I'm so happy that the motherhood roll has finally started making sense to you, and envy you at the same time. I may always wonder whether its just going to click into place for me, or will I always have to struggle with figuring out what I'm supposed to be doing now...

Good luck, Heather - you're a great mom, with Jon as a great dad. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

I wish more people would take the time to ask themselves the "questions" before just having lots of hot sex. Wait ... now that does sound like a good idea. Oh yea, back at the ranch, more rabbit sex or not in order to procreate?? My vote is no, but then again I only have one kidlet, and I voted for Kerry.

I thought I was going to be the mom of 2 kids-- that's pretty much what I thought I could handle. When my oldest boy was 2 1/2 my twin boys were born.

It was a ROUGH first couple of years, so I took lots of pictures because I was fairly sure i wouldn't remember much of it. (I was right). Now, with a 10 year old and 2 7 year olds, there's been tons of blood and screaming, and OH! the mud! and laundry! but we're doing ok.

Three kids is a lot, though. I know there are supermoms out there with more kids who make it look easy, but I'm not crafty and I hate reading books aloud to kids so I've maxed out.

Scary, yes.
The fact that you are thinking about it carefully and being open to possibilities shows your a good mother, and will be if you never have another kid, or if you have 5 more kids.

I wish you and your family the best no matter what you and your family decide.

It's a tough decision and one that only you and Jon can make. But whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you.

Besides, every pregnancy and every baby is different. But it does get easier each time. Good luck!

I'm with Heidi - if you're gonna do it, do it knowing you're going into it more experienced and "settled in" to that role than you were first time. But wait a few years 'til Leta can change a diaper and fetch a bottle faster than you can ;)

(And then strategically spend a few months before the baby comes telling her how "she can only help with the baby when she's a BIG girl!".. and she'll spend the next several months waiting in maddening anticipation.. so that when the day comes she's like a wind-up toy wound back to full tension and ready for release. You can ride that wave straight out til the new baby's in kindergarten).

My biggest fear in having a second child is that I'll poop in the delivery room again.

Shudder.

I took Zoloft every day while I was pregnant, and I nursed my son for a whole year. He's very mellow, and he has a tail, but other than that he's completely normal.

Of course, since he's been born I've been added lithium and Niravam to my drug regimen, but whatever. I'm sure that has nothing to do with months of sleeplessness and thinking about my boobs every five seconds for a year. Nothing at all.

I know, God! I know. I have a little boy Leta's age, who was a very high-maintainance little boy. Due in Feb. born premature in Dec. life was very rough for the first 6 months. We decided we'd like to have about a four year gap...didn't happen. I am due with baby number two in Sept. and scared to death. I am just hoping that things will fall into place somehow. They always do, right?

You opened this topic up for discussion? You're braver than I, that's for sure.

I believe that there should be a law that you are immune from prosecution if you punch the face of someone who asks you when you're going to have a(nother) child. My wife and I needed extensive infertility treatments to have our first, and we were hoping that we would have "righted" ourselves as a result of the first, but that doesn't seem to be the case. We secretly recent anyone who "decides" to have a baby and can just fire up the oven because there are days my wife comes home from work nearly in tears because so many of her co-workers are pregnant with their second or third child and asking her when she is going to "join the club." I know this doesn't help your thinking any, but I just want to warn people that asking that question, even if it's family, toys with face-punching.

there are quite a few pregnant women out there who don't actually want their children after they're born. Maybe not in Utah, but they're out there. I think adoption is a great option. You wouldn't have to pay for the delivery, though I suppose the adoption costs might be similar. No post partum depression either. Something to think about.

We're stuck on this question too. We have decided that once our son (who's 21 months) is potty trained and in daycare at least part-time, we will try for another one. I don't think I'm ready to take my full attention away from him yet. I'm not ready to share him, lol. I don't know if he'll be ready to share me either. We'll have to see. We know we can't afford another one but we'll manage because we always do. Hope everything works out for you Heather. Take care.

Valerie

I had many of the same thoughts before our second. I listened to my heart. I'm so glad I did. My son is everything my daughter isn't. And vice-versa. A perfect ying-yang of offspring. My sister, who has one child the same age as my daughter, asked me if my daughter ever talked to herself. Apparently, her son does. I replied "No, she has her brother." 'Nuf said.

Keep listening to yourself and you'll hear the answer.

Every time you post about Leta it reminds me so much of when my son was little. He was a big handful from the get-go and I didn't even suffer with PPD. We did decide to have one more and I'm glad we did. We felt so much more confident because we knew that we could deal with whatever came our way. I even enjoyed the crazyness a little bit, because I felt experienced enough to keep up what worked the first time and change what didn't. My daughter is a completely different kind of handful, but I at least know better to expect the unexpected.

No parent ever feels truly successful when raising a child, but sometimes, going through it again (and again, and again... ) takes the pressure off the parents and the first child because you've widened your investment, so to speak.

It truly is a choice a couple should consider carefully but I definitely think you guys are up to it.

Sounds like a scary decision. My sister and I are seven years apart - they couldn't really afford her (I don't think) but they got through it. If you really want it, you will too.

Yeah, I always thought I'd be a high-volume mom, too. But being a parent is different than thinking about being a parent, and after our first, I had to re-think everything. After much debate, we decided to give him a sibling, and I'll always be glad. Even though it's taken so much out of me (and continues to do so), it was the best gift we could have given to them both. I know that I'm grateful every day for my own siblings...when our parents are gone, we will still have one another. That's what I wanted for my kids; their parents won't always be around.

Although I miss the old life when it was me and my little guy against the world, and although I felt like I was cheating on him when his brother was born, watching the two of them love each other is almost even better than when they wrap their arms around my neck.

I wish you luck!

God -- this is the same debate that's been cycling through my head! I've finally gotten to the point where I can look at a baby, snuggle it and threaten to eat it with sincerity, which means that the meds must be working. I keep thinking that it would be great to have another child, but then I think about finances, about post-partum depression, about having to go off medication and the hell that would likely entail. You're not alone in the dilemma department.

It's a rough decision. I think I'm putting my decision-making time off until we get our little girl toilet-trained. There's just something about multiple household members in diapers that just seems very unappealing.

Have you been talking to Brooke Shields? I swear, you must have, because she was just talking about this very subject on the Today show or some other very public forum. The bad news, yeah, you're gonna have postpartum depression. The good news? You are so much better prepared for it the next time around!

Heather,

Our original intentions were to have two children (girls), two years apart. Our intentions were smashed when we had our first girl, who will be four years old in three months. I honestly don't know how people can parent more than one child. They must have an exceptional amount of patience and energy because this parenting thing is much more difficult than I ever imagined. We've enjoyed her so much and have only had minimal urges to have another one. Our life is so comfy right now and I don't want to go through it all again (PPD is one of many reasons). We're so comfy that my hubby has a vasectomy scheduled next month. I never knew we would choose this road, until we walked down it.

To each his own. Whatever you decide will be the perfect choice for your family. Just like you can't imagine life without Leta, you would get to a point where you couldn't imagine life without any subsequent children. The financial stuff will take care of itself eventually.

#1 was adopted so no PPD, no stretch marks, got the call on Monday, picked him up on Thursday and I was a mom. #2 was the baby from hell from 20 weeks of pregnancy till the birth. Had PPD-(had NO idea what it was and was scared shitless to tell anyone my morose, dark thoughts). We made it through and had an uh-oh#3. ALL THREE OF THEM are amazing young men and I can't imagine my life without all the craziness that kids bring.Sure there were times I wanted to jump from the roof but those were less frequent than the times I just watched them sleep and said a quiet thankyou for those amazing creatures. Leta would be a GREAT big sis...I imagine her pushing you out of the way to take care of the baby herself. Don't worry, go with the flow and the right thing will happen. Chris

amen, sistah. I have a 13 mo. old, and I have just begun fielding that question. Motherhood, especially for "working" moms, is such a fine balance. It takes a HUGE leap of faith to bring in ANY new variable (never mind a screaming, pooping, real live variable) into the family. Right now simply contemplating ditching our couch for a sectional sends me in paroxysms of doubt and anxiety. Change is SCARY.

But they are so cute and wonderful... hmmmm.... ack!!

You know... there's not wrong answer to that question, Heather.

Things happen in life or they don't, and all we can really do is chase after happiness, whatever that means to each of us. You've been through a lot in your life. You can weather whatever comes next, whatever you decide, whenever you decide it. I hope that's something you know, remember, and take comfort in. It's obvious from how you write about your family that you love them. To me, that says that anything you do will be out of love.

Two cents. From one perfect stranger to another. :)

I know exactly how you feel. I only have one child and he's now 16. I wish I had done things differently.

Okay, nobody's raised the most important question, that being: WWCD (What would Chuck do?)

Seriously though, you DO have the new sewer pipe to handle anything two children might eventually flush...

Okay, no really--good luck with whatever you decide.

Err... that's "no" not "not."

Stupid letter t.

I understand both your desire and your fear and that is all that I can say about this. The rest is yours.

Hi Heather,

I love this post. I never had to go through post partum, so I cannot relate completely to the devastating effects that must have had on you and your family. I have, however gone through some very difficult times after having kids and have felt like having anymore would be really hard on me, the hubby, and the kids. I have three kids, the oldest is 6, then comes a 3 year old, and then my 2 year old. I appreciated what you said about moms of three who are handling it even if they don't think they are. I often wonder if I'm handling it. It is really hard, especially with them so close in age. I am actually relieved to think about the fact that my youngest is two, that I'm not breastfeeding anymore, that if she skips an occasional nap it won't kill her, or me for that matter. I have actually been pregnant four times, I had a miscarriage with one. I love my family right now and kind of feel like I'm finally getting things right. The stress of another child would be tough. It is such a personal decision. For me, having a second (and subsequently third) child had a huge impact on me. It opened my eyes to the fact that my oldest was not screwed up and difficult because of me (or at least not completely!) but that he was hardwired that way. My daughters showed me that not every child will throw a tantrum when you leave the park after 3 hours of playing.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this. I guess just know that another child, while amazingly difficult and tiring while an infant, is such a blessing for the whole family. As crazy as my kids make me when they are bickering and fighting, they equally fill me with pride and joy when I see them stick up for one another or share with each other. Do what is right for you and your family, but don't think that you can't handle another child. You are an amazing mom with so muchlove to give. (The baby I miscarried and my third were "surprises", but I wouldn't trade them for the world!)

Thanks for your entertaining and honest blog.

I really can't bring any baby-making advice to the table. I can bring the mush and say that from my vantage, you are a great mom. And any child, be it one, or two, or seven, would be lucky and blessed to have you.

I am having the Mama urge as well, one 8 year old is my only child...a daughter. I miss it.

However, the only way I'm getting pregnant (single) and having any worthy opponent father my child is by chosing the blonde haired blue eyed nerd from the sperm bank...

Being single sucks! (sometimes)

I truly believe that when your first baby is difficult/a screamer, your second will be easy/a quiet one! This belief is what enabled me to have a second baby. My first screamed for hours day after day for MONTHS. She was so hard. My second was a boy, and couldn't have been an easier baby. I swear he practically never cried! It was so much better the second time around. I also had PPD with the first, but not the second. I often wonder if the lack of screaming the second time around, plus the "knowing what to do with a baby" factor helped. This too could happen to you!

My husband and I have found happiness in one child, though when we started out we thought we'd have more, but as it all progressed, we just knew one was the right number for us. I feel badly when people feel pressure to have more because I think having one is totally underrated. Of course, my sister is also a mother of twins, so this might have something to do with it!

I give you much credit for bravery my dear, opening this up for debate amongst the populace of the blurbodoocery universe is brave indeed! (Or incredibly stupid, not quite sure which yet)

I have no children yet, but the husband and I decided a few weeks ago to forgo birth control and "let nature take it's course." I am scared shitless and totally excited all at the same time.
Oddly enough, we have already had the "one or more?" discussion. Right now we sit at a firm two and that's it policy, but I told him I reserved the right to ammend that if having the first one ends up being enough for me.

I think you are smart to consider it and give the decision a great deal of thought. Whatever your decision I can honestly say I support you and Jon 100%. I think you two should do whatever you decide you want, what all of us in the blogoshpere think is irrelevant. We do not live your life, you do, so do what you want with it.

What a thoughtful post Heather. As I type this, I am watching Telletubbies and my 3 year old just polished off the last of my diet coke. My 1st kid didn't exactly have the same experience, but I am a better parent this time I think. More relaxed. Brooke claims she isn't having PPSD this time either, so she says. Who knows maybe she is snorting Paxil? I believe in a colossal conspiracy that makes people in your situation contemplate that pro8spective twinkle! Because the people with more than one WANT you to have another child because if you didn't, you'd have loads more free time, money, guaranteed sanity and they're envious of that. That sad, my daughter has added blah blah blah (good stuff) to our family and my son is exponentially a better human because she is here. Now sit that uterus down and have a real heart to heart! Now Heather I think you should move out here to LA and have an edgy/musicy/family talk show. You need an agent:) Get going!

I've been having the baby-making impulse, too. I remember when I got pregnant with the Small one being terrified I was going to have horrible PPD because I have a history of depression. I did have some (nowhere near yours, Heather), but I got through it, and now I know better about myself.

Your experiences were horrible, sweetie, but now you and John know what you're dealing with. You know what to look for, you know how to handle it, and you know when to call in the cavalry.

And the responses of Leta and Chuck to this little invader will be *priceless* blog material...

I think all parents have been through that difficult decision (even those who haven't shared your specific struggles) and I defintely think the decisions over subsequent kids is more difficult than that over the first. I always knew I wanted more than one, but it was still hard to say, "ok...now" You'll definitely handle it. In some ways it will be easier and in others, harder.

And personally, it's people like you sister (good, competent, happy moms with beautiful, wonderful, happy children) that make me WANT to have more, because they are proof that it can be done.

thanks for the great post heather. some of the best blogs i read have been by reading comments to your posts. so thanks for opening up the comments sometimes. you rawk.

i just wanted to show you the blog of an AMAZING mom. i'm not sure you spend much of your day reading other blogs, but check out this super-mom: www.kristyk.org

and sorry for the no caps... i know it bugs you but i just got up and my left pinky hasn't had coffee yet.

Heather, as always, thank you for your candor.

I'm about to be married for the first time at 42. My fiance' is 47.

We're already getting the 'when are you going to have kids?' pressure from family and friends.

We don't know...if it's 'if' or 'when'.

No one can make this decision for you. And this is such a copout, but seriously, whatever you decide is the right thing. There is no real need for you to have other kids. But if you do get pregnant, even if you have twins, even if you have TRIPLETS, you can and will survive it, postpartum and all. You have a wonderful husband to help you through a second baby. And not all babies are as demanding as Leta. My 2 year old is a handful, but my 4 month old is calm calm calm. I would have 2 more, if I wasn't sure my husband would leave me first. But that's me.
Leta is beautiful, and she is enough. And if you do have another baby, he / she / it will be loved. And somehow you'll muddle through the postpartum, just like the last time.
Good luck to you, whichever it turns out to be. I look forward to finding it out.

I'm not a breeder so this type of talk makes me crazy. I'm all for people having babies but I don't understand the need for lots of babies. How do you reconcile the pros of cuteness and baby head smell and Leta having someone to play with the cons of what's going in the world. I'm just asking. None of my friends with kids will even attempt to answer my question.

Dennis and I are going through this question now too.. I think we are going to hold off... just cause I want to not have them 2 years apart. I will be going back to school to get my 2nd degree (nursing) and then after I am done we will have #2. Well at least that's the plan, and I will be around 31 or 32.. we had our lil screaming wonder at 26.. so I think we need some recovery time. I too love babies and want to just eat 'em up!

The postpartum depression would be brutally hard and you would wish that you hadn't. Sharing the pregnancy and a new baby with Leta will make you glad you did. The sort of comfortable plateau you've reached will disappear again. But it will return. And new lessons will be learned and new hardships will be faced and you will continue living your life.

Oh yeah.. good luck in this!

oh and on a side note: if it's a girl, you could name this one Julia.

;)

No advice here, it is simply something only the two of you can decide for yourselves. My family jokes that I misunderstood the whole "Go forth and multiply" thing and instead heard, "Go forth and have multiples."

I have to wonder now, would I have been so adamant about NEVER having more children if I had dealt with the depression I had after our first died before having more children? It's something I will never know the answer to. I suck so badly at pregnancy that I was pretty clear with my doc that I wanted no more. If the twins had turned out to be 2 boys (like we thought for a while) instead of one of each, I have no clue if I would have been quite as sure. I am dealing with my baby issues by hoping someone around me gets pregnant. (The odds aren't good for that though.)

Best wishes for you guys as you work through this.

Surely you haven't read this far.

If I can do it, a drunk monkey can do it. OK, a medicated monkey would be more accurate.

For us, the second kid was leagues easier.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I wondered and wondered about this while trying to decide whether or not to conceive a second time. In the end I decided that it was a question without a wrong answer. I already had a boy, whom I loved very much, but I wanted a girl too.

So we went for a second one. And I don't regret it for one moment - she is a girl - and she's wonderful, but there is NO WAY I'm going to have another. I'm not very good at being pregnant, and although it was relatively speaking a straightforward pregnancy, there was enough about it to make it a very unenjoyable experience (ms for 18+ weeks, apparent heart defect at the 20 week scan [which turned out to be nothing], SPD [pelvic condition making walking extremely painful - I ended up on crutches] and a 3rd degree tear & haemorrhage during delivery). But I wouldn't be without her for the world. Even though she's now 2, and oh boy is she 2!! I loved your last letter to Leta - I totally recognise that feeling that my child is objectively the most beautiful child ever. (And I have two, and they're both the most beautiful child ever. I love mom math.)

As for my first child. I do feel that I lost some things with Adam that I've had with Ruth. He did lose out by having a very heavily pregnant, and not terribly well, mother around the time he turned 2. But in the long run he has gained so much. He adores his sister - and it's pretty much mutual, and the bigger she gets, the more they can play together.

It was a tough couple of years, and I'm glad the toughness is over, but now Ruth is 2 there is an easing of the load. She's a chatterbox, which makes it easy to know what is going on in her head. I long for the day when we can give up on diapers - not that I long for the process of toilet training, but hey - the reward will be wonderful!

And in reply to Lowter - there have always been worries as to the state of the world, and as to whether or not it is a fit place to bring children. I was pregnant with Adam on 9/11. We can all just give up completely, or we can have hope for the future. Having a child is a very tangible expression of that hope.

So Heather - there is no right or wrong answer. It can't be calculated rationally, although you are wise to consider the pros and cons so that they are less of a shock. It is always a risk inviting someone new into your life, especially when you can't politely explain that they have outstayed their welcome. But they joy they can bring is immeasurable.

Oh, and Adam started sleeping well once we had Ruth - he'd wake up when she cried, say "Oh Ruth" and go back to sleep - he was just happy knowing that there was someone else there, even if she was only a tiny baby.

If I were a religious woman I would say that 'The Lord doesn't put us through anything that we can't handle' -
I'm not religious though.

I've got baby fever, but I'm practical enough to know that even if we can afford it, even if I love that baby smell enough to re-cut that C-section scar, emotionally I'm not sure I could take it.

Leta is old enough now and almost to the potty? I say go for it, especially with Jon being home I think it would help if there were any jealousy and with him home and having learned the art of putting dishes in the dishwasher, you're all set...

Heather, this is a tough question for anyone who relishes the life they currently have. My oldest is now 7 1/2, and up until she was about 2 1/2, I had closed the door on having more children. Much like Leta, Samantha challenged me in ways I could never have imagined. But at the magic age of 2 1/2, she became such an easy part of our lives, I don't know if that was us finally adjusting, or if her mood just improved THAT much ;-)...but whatever it was, it was at that time, that my husband and I started entertaining the idea of another child. We jumped in, expecting the "trying" part to take as long as it did the first time, (close to a year)...but nope, BINGO BANGO as they say, and my 2nd daughter, Melanie, was born as Samntha turned 3 1/2. Melanie was an easy addition to our family, and while some of our routines had to be adjusted, it was much easier making room for #2 then it was for #1. With that said, this is still something you and Jon need to figure out, but my two cents is that #2 is not as hard as #1, and if you are lucky, Leta will be a little mommy to her brother or sister, and you will fall in love with Leta in even more ways than you have so far. Good luck with whatever you decide, and I look forward to reading about it!
Jamie

Heather, nothing is as totally irrational as the decision to have a child. And having a second child increases the work exponentially, rather than doubling it. That said, I wouldn't have missed having my (now almost 4-year old) daughter for the world...

I too suffered from PPD - BAD - and ramped up my Prozac dosage after my first child was born. He was so perfect - such a happy, sparkling, sprite of a child (after the horrid sleepless 1st months) - yet I still dreaded the thought of another. But the mommy lust came back - I conceived a daughter - and oddly enough, my PPD was not nearly as bad after her birth (a VBAC, which may have had something to do with it). I strongly feel that labor support helped my postpartum experience.

Anyway, I think you are a terrific mom - you so obviously love your adorable daughter with a passion - and the decision to have more kids is entirely subjective. There's lots of good reasons both way. I'm just glad I did it.

You can take the mormon out of the baby, but you can't take the babies out of the mormon...

BI (Before infertility), we had all sorts of plans regarding family size. Long story short, we have one child (& are so thankful for him), who is now a teenager.

For me, the hardest thing was accepting that my son would not have a sibling. And in my experience both strangers and family rarely miss a chance to confirm my fears that only child=fucked up child.

A book that helped me get off the crazy train was Maybe One: A Case for Smaller Families by Bill McKibben. It provided both clarity and comfort.

If I was Queen of the world, I'd have chosen to have more kids when my son was younger. And baby fever has never gone away in my case. But I've come to see the real benefits of our family of three; for us and for our son.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

Heather, you're not crazy for thinking of having another kid, despite a bad spate of problems following the birth of your first one.

My DD is a couple of months older than yours, and while I didn't have postpartum depression troubles, I had physical problems (http://elevatedumbrella.blogspot.com/2006/03/what-not-even-your-girlfrie...) that - to quote Winston Zedmore from Ghostbusters - would turn you WHITE.

But I figure, yknow, lightening can't strike twice, right? And if Brooke Shields can do it again, then I can too. And so can you.

Who's ever ready? Our "blessing" caused us to get married a lot earlier, stop everything we were doing and form a family. We're still not ready, even though she had her first birthday yesterday.

And Hell, I want another one tomorrow.

Do what's best for your family and for you...especially for you.

You could always compromise and get another dog?

Just an idea :-)

It is a big decision, one I think about myself (not that I'm married or even in a relationship!). I'm going to goad you on and say DO IT! I have a cute onesie I bought while on vacation in St. Maarten, and I rather send it to you than give it to the pregnant bitch I work with. You could say this decision was not based upon anything that makes sense, and you would be right.

i have an almost 11 month old son & already i am getting bombarded by family & friends alike with questions of when we'll go for #2. it just seems to absurd to me. i find myself thinking, "really? already? but he can't even walk or talk or anything!"

right now, my husband & i feel pretty confident that we don't want another child. i was not very good at being pregnant & i have no choice but to undergo repeat c-sections for future babies, neither of which i am rushing to experience again. the biggest factor is that i am still so enamoured with my son that i can't imagine another baby in our lives. i can't fathom how another child can compare to him. i know that if we had another baby that i would feel the same way about him. since becoming a mother, i fully understand how you can simultaneously single out each of your children as the greatest/cutest/smartest/best kid in the universe. even still, i'm just not ready to take the spotlight off of calvin. and i don't know if i ever will be.

my mother-in-law cried when we told her our feelings. she said that she was "deeply hurt" that we might not have any more kids. if that's not pressure, i don't know what is.

along with my emotional & physical reservations, i am always worrying about how we'd manage if we did want another child. it seems like calvin takes every ounce of our energy, all of our attention, all of our love, and all of our money. i just don't see how people can do it, though i can understand why they want to.

for me, the answer is somewhat simple. i'll know i'm ready when the desire for another child outweighs the worry about actually doing it. in that moment of delusional impracticality, i'll know it's time & we'll go from there.

children-- on their own, in twos or fours or tens-- are amazing. you'll know when you're ready for more. you'll know when its time. and my advice to you is to jump right in as soon as you do, because there's never enough time or money or insurance, but there is ALWAYS enough love.

It's a big decision, and a responsibility that I can't fathom at the present time. Whatever you guys decide, I know that you will be just fine. I mean jeebus, Heather, look at what you guys have overcome. You are amazing parents, and Leta has a great advantage in life because she has you two. If you have more monkeys, they will be equally as blessed.

I also think it's ok not to want to go through the PPD again, or to just not want more kids. I love kids, but I'm not sure I want to actually have them living in my house.

Hey, you could always adopt! (ME)

you have to do what's right for your situation.

but the perspective i can offer is that i know a five-year-old only child who desperately needs a sibling. she's my husband's cousin, and her mom has tried having more kids but hasn't been able to yet (she's in her very late 30's and is going through in vitro right now). she's a very smart and entertaining child, but when there are no other kids around to play with she is VERY demanding and VERY exhausting to the adults because she needs to have your full ttention and ask you questions and get answers rightawaynow NOW NOW NOW NOW! it's also too bad that, even if her mom were to get pregnant right now, they would be about six years apart in age (hardly good playmates).
Leta has always seemed to be a *bit* of a demanding child (tongue in cheek!), so if you were to have another baby, the first year or so would probably be pretty rough. but i'm willing to bet that afterwards, and for years to come, you would be so happy that the two of them have each other.

and how much of an advantage is it that Jon works from home now? what a great help that would be!

When I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my third (THIRD! THREE!) child, I freaked the fuck out because I had just been through a horrible depression and was on anti depressants and my psychiatrist said things like "We'll have to watch you closely because you're a severe risk for postpartum depression."

I was scared. My husband was scared and I cried a lot.

I've not been on any anti depressants since finding out I was pregnant with her and I've never been happier.

If I had let the fear of PPD keep me from having her, I'd not know the Joy that is My Farting on Command Princess.

But, I totally understand the fear. It's valid and it's real and I would never tell you "You'll be fine, just do it!" Because I don't know that. But I felt like sharing my story.

God, I hope that doesn't make me a dick. (Because, you know how sometimes when people tell you their "stories", it comes across as "dickish" even though they probably mean well and were just trying to help? Yeah.)

Yet another variation on the theme:
When we got married, we wanted three. I LIKE middle children - I even married one. But having one took longer than expected (miscarriage, laid off, blah blah blah), and then there were LOTS of issues (PPD, bi-polar diagnosis, meds during & post pregnancy, colic, breast feeding trauma, et-freakin-cetera). But Abby was SOOOOO worth it, and now she's almost 2.5 yrs old and an active, funny, lovely, frustrating child.

I distinctly remember the night I turned to my husband and said, "you know, two wouldn't be so bad, but three is off the table." And now we have two - Sarah arrived six months ago.

I gotta tell you EVERYTHING was completely different: the pregnancy, my post-partum reaction, baby's temperament, breast feeding, you name it.

You and Jon will make the right choice for you, pro or con, but be sure to give yourselves credit for what you've LEARNED over the past 3 years. You are no longer new to this whole thing, and although I must admit I still haven't figured out how the heck to get of the house in a timely manner, this time around I was able to finesse most of the issues I had with Abby. Good luck to you, Jon, Leta and Chuck -and have faith in yourselves.

One of the thngs that I really like about your blog, Heather, is how candid you are about things that lots of people feel like they're not allowed to say, or even think: like the fact that some babies are more dificult than others, the fact that the arrival of ANY baby is as stressful as trying to host a permanent tornado in your house, the fact that motherhood, even when you ache with love, is overwhelming and exhausting.

I've never wanted to have kids, partly because I knew I just wasn't up to the challenge. Too much work, no way out, no way to give them back if it's not a good fit, no way to change your mind. Too big a risk if I discover I'm not cut out to be the right parent for that particular kid. (I often wonder about others' confidence in this area. How do people automatically KNOW they're gonna love kids they haven't even met yet? Not every parent does love their kids. Some parents can't stand their own kids, and it's a tragedy all around. Why does no one ever seem to be awake to this risk when they think about having a family? Why does everyone assume that it's just all going to work itself out automatically?)

Having said that, and acknowledging that I am not exactly the world's most pro-procreation person, I think you should have another. You love kids and you're a great mom. You want another baby. It'll be hard, but I think you know what you're doing this time, you're better prepared to handle it, the next kid is almost certainly gonna be easier than Leta, and Jon's around to help this time. The first three months are going to be hard, but this time (unlike the last) you'll know that it really does get easier. And the joy you'll experience after the first rough patch of newbornness is over will be phenomenal.

I don't have incredible advice on this matter; what I DO have is complete admiration of you for being so open and sharing this with a million strangers! You have a beautiful family, and I hope for all the best, whichever way you go.

Right after I delivered my son, I SWORE I would never, never do that EVER again. Then my daughter surprised me by inhabiting my womb unexpectedly...and every day since she was born has been a surprising delight to us! AND I even experienced postpartum for the first time with her - not fun. I wondered if I could really love another child as much as my first...and when my daughter was born, I felt my heart just get bigger. And seeing my son meet his sister for the first time made my every struggle with pregnancy and depression seem non-existant. Time stood still in that moment.

I love even the hard things that two children bring into my life, because it is still incredible and so worth it. I did not expect to have two children, but I now have a hard time remembering life before.

I love it.

I understand what you're going through...I too had PPD after my son, and am terrified of having it again when we have our next child, because I'm now just getting over the desire to throw myself down the stairs in order to not have to deal with a baby who won't sleep. But really.

I don't know...should you decide to have another baby, this time will be different. You'll have much more confidence because you've done it before AND you'll have Jon home. That's huge. So huge. I think those two things alone should be comforting. They at least get to replace the blissful ignorance of choosing to have your first child!

Gosh, I have pondered with the thought of having more children. I have always invisioned myself having at least three children. I now have a 6 and 4 year old (both daughters) and FINALLY out of that baby/diaper stage. The thought of having more, going through a tough pregnancy (I am sick all 9 months) and then caring for a newborn scares the heck out of me!

I won't offer you any advice, mostly because I am not you and I am not inside your head and therefore have no idea what all the factors are (besides those listed) that will lend themselves to your decision.
I know several old wives' tales that came true for me and for my two daughters: one, the easier the first kid, the harder the second, or vice-versa. Nature seems to compensate for difficult-to-manage children by sending easier-to-manage children that second time around. Or, again, vice versa.
Also, the truth really is that none of us out here, no matter how much we admire you and your mad blogging skillz and your awesome personality, can really give you the right answer. As you know, of course. The best thing I can offer you is that I think whatever choice you make will be the exact right one for you, for Jon, and for Leta.
(And that "have the second kid for the first one's sake" stuff is just nonsense. IMHO.)

There're no certainties in life. Even the best layed plans all go to hell when life gets in the way. That doesn't mean you don't plan and try to have the best of intentions for running your life, but I've known too many people (even in my own family) who've been too afraid to let go of the chokehold they have on their lives to just let it happen. They're so afraid of the stuff they didn't/can't plan for that they arn't living their lives. Just make sure you're not "that guy" :) I guess that's my advice. "Don't be that guy." It's like "let go and let God," only with the addition of your friends not ridiculing you behind your back for being "that guy."

I didn't read all the posts so I'm sure I'm repeating someone, but if you really want another kid, it will happen. You know what you can handle and what you can't. I say this as a reformed mormon (I am one of 8 kids), who wants a big family.

Guess I should have my first one and then see how I feel.

I have a weird suggestion for you--and I know that you'll probably delete this as soon as you see it, but this is said with love.

Are you interested in having the pregnancy again without all the hastle?

What about Beth your neighbor that is having the infertility problems?

If her meds don't go well and she's just not able to concieve--you might want to make the offer of serigute(sp--i'm a horrible speller sorry) mother. So you could help her have another baby--you could have a minor claim on the baby and your friendship would be forever linked due to the experience.

You would help a friend in need and you would be able to experience the joys (well sometimes) of being pregnante. Plus not having to worry about the late nights of crying and the feeding (although you might be able to help wet nurse--but tmi).

Just my crazy suggestion for two people who are in the same place.

Love and Peace!

I have 2 kids - they are close in age (17 months - shoot me). I'm really bad at making decisions, so I consider myself lucky that it happened by accident. I also come from a long line of martys, so this works for me.

I do not regret having a second child, but I'm all over the place and most of the time am not the parent I want to be. I have no patience and find the 'fairness' thing really hard to manage. I look at my friends with 1 child and think they have no idea how simple and focused their lives are (but I bet they don't feel that way...). And I wonder if I'm not doing my kids any favors by spreading myself so thin. Maybe I'd be a better parent if I had less to do?

On the other hand, what in the world would I do without this amazingly sweet and funny and unique little guy who is my second child? I spent most of my pregancy with him feeling inconvenienced by the whole thing, and honestly did not think about the fact that this child was going to captivate me just like my first. "OH, it's a HUMAN BEING with a PERSONALITY! Not just a baby who will suck the life out of me! OK!"

I've been a docce-aholic for some time now, and encouraged my friend Lori to send you her book "MAYBE BABY" - essays by amazing writers on this very decicion (sorry for the plug - but it is really right up your alley). I hope you got it, and I hope you'll read it. I love this book for the same reasons I love your blog and your voice, it's refreshingly real and makes me think.

yay for healing. and good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I haven't read all of the comments, but the ones I did read were unanimous in telling you to go for it. Let me just say no. Don't do it. I don't believe it will all work out in the end. We are in for some deep shit, politically, economically and environmentally. I'm scared for all the children we have now. But mostly, I'm scared for the young families who are already scrambling to make ends meet. Sorry to be the voice of doom.

ask yourself this: if you peed on a stick right this minute and saw two lines appear, what would your reaction be?

happy and excited, but nervous?

scared and upset, horrified?

if it's clearly one or the other, there's a good indication of what you really want.

I have all very similar questions to you and 1,000 more ... except they are all about having a first child. I think I will make this an entry at my blog this week.

The problem with waiting---at least, the problem I have experienced with waiting---is that you can wait yourself right into too-late. Life was never 100% right for us: too little money, too little insurance, too little time, too much work, too much stuff, too little space...and so on down the hyper-analytical line. Obviously there are considerations to adding another child to your family. But sometimes they obfuscate more than they clarify.

My son is now 12, and, really, it's too late for us to think about adding to the family. While I recognize the positives of having only one child, the situation does make me feel strange, sad pangs of loss. And, yes, parts of me---primarily the part that believes in time travel---wish we had tried to have another child years ago. But, like I said, the situation was never 100% amenable to such a change.

Fortunately, my extended family has started having babies. I've now got two infant nephews upon whom I can shower endless kisses (and, as you might suggest, Heather, barbeque sauce).

I don't have any advice for you---seems you've gotten plenty---but I certainly hope you can come to a decision without tons of hand-wringing, mind-boggling anxiety. Best to you and Jon.

Sorry if people have already mentioned this, I'm a little lazy to read all of the comments. If you decide you are mentally and finacially ready for more kids you could consider adoption? Going this route could be expensive but it would eliminate the chance of postpartum depression and the chance of having multiples.

I remember when I was deciding whether to have a second child. I remember being very fearful that I wouldn't be able to afford it, wouldn't be able to handle the additional stresses, wouldn't be as good of a mother with my attention divided between two kids. I worried about everything!

That was 16+ years ago. My daughter was a wonderful addition to our family, and I discovered that I was a better and more confident parent the second time around. I had the love and support of my family nearby as well, which is a blessing and is much needed in the early months when the new baby is up all night and the toddler is up early and raring to go. It wasn't always easy, but it certainly was always worth it.

I've also determined that those questions are never easily answered. You may plan for X and end up with Y, because we all know that life is what happens when you're planning your life. You have the basic elements to succeed no matter what you decide to do.. just make sure that you're following your heart in regard to what you want and need and the rest will fall into place.

Thank you, once again, for writing something so deeply heartfelt and honest. My daughter turns one tomorrow, and I just now think I am getting this mothering thing. I did not have severe post partum, but I did have some, and mostly I had the "who the hell is this creature and what am I supposed to do with her?!!" blues for a long time. I love being a mom, but it has just been recently that things have started to feel comfortable to me. I mean, I don't freak out over the littlest things anymore and I just try to enjoy my little person. I get asked all the time about when we're going to have another and I get so crazy when I hear that question! I think it's only for you to decide and that when the time is right you will know. I think it's pretty safe to say that you are an amazing mother and you and Jon have a life that is enviable, and you will be fantastic with just Leta or with several more! Of course I say this with confidence because I feel like you're a friend even though we may never meet! Thanks for sharing these thoughts, and good luck!

One thing I will never understand:

how can anyone say, "plan not to plan" or "God will make that decision for you" unless you are reproductively challenged that is. for me, i was on the pill for 15 years, went off to get pregnant, the next month i was in fact pregnant. now i am on the pill again, so how can i leave it up to God or not plan it? if i quit taking the pill, i WILL get pregnant, if i dont quit taking it, i WONT. so i must make a conscious decision to go down this path of joy and shitty diapers again. lucky me, my little one is only 10 months old, so i have awhile before the pressure is on.

the only advice i can offer on this:

we had one dog and decided to let her get knocked up. we planned to keep one puppy and sell the rest of them. of course, my husband and i each fell in love with a different puppy so we kept 2. Best thing we ever did. The momma dog had a bit of PPD herself and hated her pups. The 2 little ones made it so much easier than just having one. They play together and have never required the amount of attention that just one would. Everyone has told me the same thing about children. If you have 2, they keep eachother busy.

I imagine I will have another at some point. What really made it hit home for me was realizing that if I dont have another baby, my child will someday go through life, my death, my husbands death, etc. somewhat ALONE. sure she has cousins galore, will probably have a husband and kids of her own. but she wont have that one other person that could identify with her past, present, and future the same way that a sibling could. there are days that if i couldnt call my sister, i dont know what i would do.

P.S. i apologize for the poor grammar and syntax. normally i read your posts, but never get to comment. today i just HAD to weigh in while running a 3 ring circus.

As a mother of 3 who's barely holding it together, my gut reaction is to warn you to stop at one!!!

Kids are great and I wouldn't ever give any of mine up but holy macaroni they're hard work. My husband and I like to ponder what our life would be like if we'd never had kids or had stopped at one....We imagine that our life would be much more peaceful, lol.

And this is coming from someone who's never had to deal with depression - post-partum or otherwise.

That is a question I think so many people are faced with, and I think it shows a true sense of respect and understanding of the hardships - and joys - of child rearing. Too often people go into parenthood without fully thinking it through, and it is awesome that you are contemplating all aspects of it. My sister is currently thinking of having a second child, and I it never ceases to amaze me how she is totally forgetting - or purposefully blocking from her memory - how hard the entire pregnancy, childbirth, and first few months really were. Maybe, like you said, that is nature's way of getting us to procreate, but in a way I want to grab her by the neck and say "DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD ME IF YOU EVER MENTIONED HAVING ANOTHER THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD?" As for my sister, I doubt she is fully considering all the ramifications of having another one - it is great that you are. And I am sure that no matter what decision you make, it will be right - for you. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing it again. You are a hero in my eyes for doing it once and going through all you did. And all I can say is, if there are any two people out there more deserving and capable of having more kids, it is you and Jon. The two of you seem like wonderful people, and so devoted to each other. I wish you luck in the decision process!

Take the Zen way out... relax and whatever will be, will be. Usually that ends up being perfect.

When my first child was 9, I had my second, then immediately had a third. The little ones were as though twins those long early years. The second turned out to be an extremely difficult personality, and the devastation that occurred because of the dysfuntions that grew out of his failure to comply with ANY rules, deeply hurt the youngest, and ultimately caused my oldest to alienate himself from the family for many awful years.

My recommendation is to look closely, deeply at your relationship with Leta. Do you want to cultivate your relationship with her richly and provide her with 100% of your attention and joy? Or do you wish to ask her to share what she gets now with the high maintenance necessary with another child?

Waiting to decide until Leta has become fully potty-trained, develops understandable language skills, and learns to appreciate the learning environment of school is my recommendation. Before then, you stand a high risk of her legendary screaming returning with renewed vigor, being exercised everytime you even look at the newer member of the family, not to mention the necessary feeding, holding, changing, bathing, etc.

I vote for examining the risk factors through Leta's eyes, and giving her what she deserves of your attentions and devotion, given the ways of the world and our country in these times.

Having only one child was wonderful those first 9 years, and he is the most educated and accomplished of my 3. The troubles took their toll on the younger ones, who are now in their 20's and caught up in the crazy consumerism all around us. Caring for more than one is really hard work which often results in sacrifices upon the children.

After I had my first child (whom I loved to bits) I didn't want to have any more children. My second baby just kinda happened. My only regret is that they have a 5 year gulf between them.

The second child is definitely easier than the first!! By then you're a pro and you've got the motherhood thing down to a tee. Having two is easier than one. They entertain each other. Sure it's hard sometimes - but once you get a good routine going that works - it's much easier. And you sound pretty organised.

Leta is like my first child (my daughter) in so many ways. I suppose that's why I so enjoy reading about your daily foibles - it takes me back a few years (my daughter is 14 now and boy you're in for a ride or two). God saw fit to give me a very different little person next time around. He's a sensitive little guy - like an old soul - from the day he was born. Both bring me tremendous pleasure, unspeakable joy, some angst, a little grief at times, and loads of laughter. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I remember thinking "How can I possibly love another baby when I love the one I've got so much?!?!!" Lo and behold, I love him so much it makes my heart ache just like I did with my daughter.

I struggled with severe post partum depression after my son - for over 2 years. I don't know what would have happened had I not had a loving, supportive husband (he deserves a medal). Knowing my two children loved me more than anything and that I was their anchor - also helped shock me out of those very dark moments where I pondered all sorts of dark things.

As far as making a decision about this. Well -- I've found that when women get broody - they often end up pregnant -- and the decision is taken out of their hands. Both times I got pregnant -- I was broody beforehand!

Just remember: There are no questions in your heart and never any answers in your head. If you desire another baby - go for it. Don't let your head decide -- where it's a matter of the heart.
xo

I know how totally weird this sounds, but two days ago I had a dream that you posted you were going to have another one.

Whatever you all decide, I think you can handle anything.

It's always harder to have the second one precisely because of that, as my cousin says (she has two). You have to consider not only yourself and Jon, but Leta as well.
On the other hand, knowing you're likely to experience postpartum depression again may prepare you for it and make it easier for everyone, this time. And you've already learnt so much with Leta, you've been a mother for two years now, things won't be so new and frightening for the next one.
I hope you make the right and best decision for you and your family!
(I say have the second child!)
Love,
Joana

I hear you, on each of those considerations. I can't help wondering if the overall feeling of "I don't know" means that no, I shouldn't have anymore. I just seems that a lot of people know they want assloads of kids, so not knowing might mean I don't.

(I also had a colicky/fussy Spud, maybe it's just that which is turning us off from the idea of more spawn.)

You don't know, and that's OK.

simply put, period

Take your time. You'll figure it out.

Family size is such a personal issues, I don't know that anyone can answer that for you. After all, do I want to take the blame if trouble ensues?

But seriously, I think only you and Jon can figure that one out. Of course, if you get drunk and silly enough you might just end up with another baby, even if you had planned no more. Just saying it could happen.

And it was lovely to hear you on KPBS this morning. I'm the silly git who talked of the "global community" we're all building 'round here.

I don't know if anyone is ever prepared for having a child because until you are in the moment, you don't know what is going to happen or how you are going to feel. I think that if you really want another child, then go right ahead. The good part is that you at least have some knowledge of what you are getting yourself into and so it won't be quite as life changing (although having 2 children as opposed to 1 child is a big difference). Most likely your next experience will be much better. I wouldn't do something because I felt pressured, though.

alright, from someone who's not been there and probably won't go there:

from reading all the comments, you can justify either argument--wait or go for it. if you want more kids, there's never going to be a 'just the right time' to do it. Subjectively I will say, don't go for the only child, and as a youngest child, don't wait several years, as my next older sibling is 8 yrs older than myself. in many ways while growing up I was like an only child, and that's no fun.

Considering all the changes you guys have gone through maybe you want to let things settle a bit. A sibling is a great thing though.

I have 3 and all of them are 4 years apart. It worked out extremely well, except for the having kids in daycare FOREVER.

That's a toughie. Uhm...go with your gut?

My big problem is an inability to differentiate between a level, happy playing field and a big, flat space with room in if for something else. I'm sure I'd adapt to another kid, but who would I kill in the process? There's something to be said for doing one thing (or raising one child) and doing it well.

I also suffered post-natal depression after the birth of my first son, now nearly 13 years old. I was terrified to have another child but was assured by Doctors that I'd be better prepared if it hit me the second time around. It did with the birth of my second son, now nearly 9. I was better prepared though and high-tailed it to to the Doc for a script for anti-depressants the second I was aware of it. This made the whole experience a lot less traumatic. Now, all these years later, despite the fact that my marriage is over, I wouldn't change that decision for the world.

There is no better gift to give a child than a sibling. I was scared out of mind to have a second child but time erases the labour pains, the sleepless nights, the worry. Two is not as frightening as it may seem. It gets easier. Your child has a built-in playmate. They play. They entertain each other. They scheme against you. Oh wait, that's later.

You will never regret having another - trust me...

Carpe Diem.

You're a great mum Heather, and you have the support and love of your family, friends and husband for what ever your decision may be.

Good luck!

I had all of those same concerns after the birth of my daughter. Did I really want another one? After the first year mark I felt like I had control of things once again. My husband and I decided that we indeed wanted one more child but not for a few more years. Then WHOOPS! My daughter is only 21 months older than my son and, for me, so far all has gone well. I thought for sure my daughter would try to smother him at some point. So far, her worst offense is tipping him over while he's sitting up or maybe trying to feed him with her babydoll's bottles.

And I don't know if it is because he's a boy or just the second child, so many things that freaked me out before cause little concern now. I'm sure Leta would adjust fine to a new addition.

Okay, after reading through the comments, I have some more thoughts.

I have a half-brother, a half-sister, a full-blooded sister, a step-sister, three step-brothers, and an adopted sister. My half-brother is 10 years older than me, so we're not close at all--I see him maybe twice a year. I haven't seen my half-sister in about a year, and I'm fine with that (for lots of reasons that you probably really don't care about). I'm not close to my step-sister, but we have a good relationship, and I can't wait to be an aunt to the kid that she's trying to have. I haven't spoken to one of my step-brothers in over 5 years, while I want to kill the other two half of the time--you know, that love/hate thing... My adopted sister and I have an interesting relationship, to say the least. My full sister is about 3 years older than me, and she used to beat my ass just about every day. I remember telling her I hated her, but I also remember how she was my constant companion/playmate throughout my childhood. While I have all of those other siblings, she was the only one I grew up with throughout my entire childhood, and I can't imagine life without her. We definitely had our rocky spots--and we still do--but I'm also going to be her maid of honor in October. I just think there's something very special about having someone to grow up with. But you have siblings, so you know that.

While I'm one of those people who can't imagine having an only child--probably because I come from such a huge family--a lot of my friends are only children, and they're all relatively normal, well-adjusted young adults.

Only you and Jon know what's right for ya'll and ya'll's family. Good luck figuring out what that is.

This might be a left wing hunch - but you're already pregnant aren't you?

Personally.. I think the world needs more members of the Blurbodoocery.

WE DEMAND BABIES DAMMIT!!! Imagine the exciting posts if you had triplets or something... my mind is exploding just thinking about it.

More babies please, that's right, huh?

...I asked nicely so please multiply...

Ask any mother of 1+ and they'll tell you volumes of the manifold benefits of that +. Benefits that, with your nature and Jon's, will also return to you both (and even Leta) manifold. Even financial issues will have a different light shed upon them, and I don't think 'negative'. Don't trust me, ask your prolific sister. And embrace your God sent call ;)

tough question-simple answer. it sounds so trite and so obvious. but you know when you are ready. when you know, you know.

it just is.

I think I can vaguely sympathize with how you feel. My (now) SIL just had a baby, and I just found out last week that my actual SIL is expecting in January. The peer pressure is incredible! And I don't even have one yet!

Anyway, I wish you the best in your decision. I'm sure that you will be just fine, no matter what you decide. You and Jon are wonderful parents. Seriously.

I'm still stuck on 5. FIVE. One more and you need two hands.

I was raised a very happy only child. I loved not fighting over anything, always being the spoiled one, and generally getting what I wanted.

What I'm trying to say is, that if you decide to have just your one? That's okay too...

I'm nervous about commenting on this one in some ways for fear that someone will recognize me and judge me for what I have to say... but I've been reading your blog for about a year know, and if anyone knows what it's liked to be judged, it's you, and somehow that makes me comfortable enough to open up. (Did that make sense?)

Anyway, we made the decision to go ahead with family expansion, and we now have two children, a daughter who's 5 1/2 and a son who's 15 months (so about 4 1/2 years apart). I love both of my kids, God do I, and I wouldn't trade either for the world. But every single day, I miss my life with just one child. My first was not necessarily easy, but manageable. My second gives High Maintenance a new meaning. If he's not scaring us medically (falling off the growth chart, breathing difficulties), he's freaking us out by head butting everything in site or eating Polly Pockets (if you don't know what they are, be ever so glad!). Thank God, he's developing normally or ahead of schedule with regard to motor skills, speech, etc. -- but he's so very, very challenging that my husband often suggests that I see a doctor to get a "mommy's little helper" because he can't see how I can get through a day without it. I probably have some mild depression and anxiety, and it only seems to be getting worse the bigger he gets. At some point we'll turn the corner, I hope, but we're so far from there. I worked full time and went to graduate school full time with my daughter; with my son, I'm now a SAHM who can't pee without him being on my lap, probably nursing all the while.

I could go on and on, but, after sharing a glimpse into my life, I will say that the thing that makes having a second the most worthwhile is bearing witness to the bond forming between my two kids. In my darkest moments, when I'm daydreaming of buying a one-way ticket to Timbuktu, my daughter will giggle, then my son will giggle, and they'll look at each other with the same eyes -- co-conspirators in filling my life with so much agita yet so much love my heart could burst. Those moments come regularly enough to keep me sane and glad that we added one more. Most of the time.

My husband and I decided to only have 1 child and it's been fantastic in every way, except one. No matter how many playdates & neighborhood kiddie get-togethers we have, my kid still thinks he's a mini adult. He doesn't have the patience to play well with other kids because he is use to adult interaction the majority of the time. This is really a problem at school. There are 35 other kids in the classroom, and my son thinks he should receive all of the attention! Believe me, we've tried everything (except having another kid!).

There are many pluses to just having one kid though. The best plus is the FINANCIAL one! Only one college tuition for this family :)

You will make the right decision for your situation, Heather.

Love your blog :)

All I can add to these comments is that the love you have for your family comes through in every post you write. It's a deep love, Heather, and I have no doubt your family will always be a strong one, whether you have one child or two or three. Leta and Chuck are so incredible, that's because they've had great parents every step of the way.

Financially, the costs never really go away. If I had known how much it would cost to raise my two girls, I might not have done it, because i'm overly practical where money is concerned.
But there has never been a day when I regretted it. Ever.
Best of luck to you and Jon, whatever you decide. :)

My best friend hit the mark, I think:

"One is an accessory, two is a lifestyle change...."

I was an only child and I managed to survive into adulthood with half a brain and a fairly decent disposition.

Then again, every time I start to think "We should have stopped at one puppy", I stop and watch them conniving to steal my underwear or fighting over (and subsequently shredding) the favoured sleep pillow, and I think...."Aw, isn't that precious? We *really* should have stopped at one puppy..."

PS: my repeated use of the word "it" at the end of my last comment was not in reference to Leta. I'd never call a child "it".

Wanted to clear that up just in case someone misread my comment.

The first one is always very hard. The self doubt, the limited knowledge, feeling overwhelmed.

The second one is easier, from a "oh, this is a baby" standpoint. You know, you have been there done that. It is difficult dealing with the issues of baby #1 and how he/she deals with baby #2 but it all works out.

Our third had clubfoot, and...well, you just deal with it. You love them with a such intensity that the clubfoot, or whatever problem, is not a problem at all. And you would go to hell and back for the child, so you do. The love, it overcomes it all.

With our 4th, we embraced the concept of chaos, and learned to love happy hour. ;*)

One thing......when I see my kids huddled together sleeping at night with each other, I know that giving them a sibling was a good choice for us....no matter how hard it all is, the love is overflowing and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

My husband had a stroke 3 weeks ago, and I have worried myself sick over how I would raise 4 kids on my own, if it came to that. My husband said, "the bottom line is, it would all work out. It would be hard, but somehow we would manage. No sense in worrying over something that hasn't happened".

You will know when the time is right if you decide to have another. I have read your posts about your daughter, and it is obvious that the instinctual love is there. Don't ever doubt yourself in that area.

Can't wait to see what you decide!

I'm a little peeved at some of the replies saying "Yes, have another child you're not certain you want, so Leta has a sibling! Siblings are natural friends and will always be there for each other." Okay, so they don't say quite that, but still. That's part of the reason my parents had my younger brother--they wanted me to have a friend when they're gone. A built in friend for life. Well, it doesn't always work that way. We don't get along, and we are certainly not friends.

If you decide you want another child, wonderful. I think you're great parents, and Leta seems like an incredible kid. But don't try to justify it as "doing it for Leta" so she'll "always have a friend," because speaking from experience that does not always work the way one might hope.

Amen, Ali. Kinda what I said in comment #260.

It's always a gamble, isn't it? My nephew Spud was a howling grumpmonster from day one (and has matured into an intelligent, sensitive, and very active little boy), while his little sister Beanie is pretty much all smiles and sweetness and, for a 9-month-old, amazingly capable of keeping herself entertained. And one of my aunts had really terrible anxiety attacks while she was pregnant with her first child, to the extent that she wasn't sure she could face being pregnant again even though they wanted more children; then when she did get pregnant again, she didn't have nearly the same trouble, nor did she with her third child. It could have gone either way, but it went the good way.

The past year or so, I've had a lot of changes going on in my life and in my family, and it's had me thinking about how we make the decisions that shape our lives. And one of the things that it comes down to is just choosing to live in the direction that you want your life to go, with love and toward rightness. So you might choose to expand your family and have another child, knowing that things might get rocky but that you have to take that chance because that's what's right for you. Or you might choose to keep your family as it is and build on the love and the strength that you have there, knowing that you might think now and again about how another child might have changed things, because that's what's right for you.

Best wishes, however you choose. And no matter how many kids you have, babies will always be good for nibbling.

Have no fear, the answers to all your questions are here:

1. There's always adoption.
2. Give one to your sister.
3. Nobody. Has ever. Been able. To afford. Another. Child.
4. It's a house. If the old woman with too many children lived in a SHOE, surely you can fit two kids in a HOUSE.
5. If things go "wrong" you deal with them then. It's a waste trying to avoid the future because of problems that haven't happened.
6-10. You just said your medication was working, right?

In addition to all that, you're practically guaranteed a smooth time around the next time. Don't you know that the second pregnancy/baby is always the opposite of the first?

Besides, the internet wants you to have another kid so we can read about it. WHERE IS YOUR SENSE OF SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY??? Don't you know you're supposed to have kids because other people want you to???

Sheesh ;-)

It is such a tough thing to ponder... I am 31, and my husband and I have had the topic of having a child on the table for two years now. We thought we were ready, started trying - and nothing happened. Never in my life did I think it would be so hard to accomplish the very thing I've tried to prevent since I was 15! Now I'm wondering how agressively to pursue fertility, or if I would ever regret never having a child. I feel like I am at a crossroads, and I don't like it. I've never come to a place in my life where I've felt like I had to make such a grand decision, one in which there is no turning back. It can be quite overwhelming!

Due to my own lack of the "answer", I don't really have any words of wisdom for you. What helps me is to talk to my friends, family and most of all my husband. You and Jon seem to communicate very well, and that is something special and precious. So long as you're both able to share your feelings with one another, it seems to make everything a-ok.

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us, and in doing so, showing your vulnerabilites and your humanity. You are courageous and oh so appreciated, girl!!

Although I only know you from the past couple of years, reading your website. I have to say you are an EXCELLENT mother and Jon is an EXCELLENT father. You both make BEAUTIFUL babies. Learn from the past don't let it haunt you. You have done far more good than bad. Leta needs a playmate :)

Hey! Wow you are brave to open this up to comments!

As someone who also suffers from PPD and has 4 kids, PPD does get worse and you CAN be too many kids over your limits and NOT know until it is too late. It is tough. I LOVE LOVE LOVE babies and could just eat them all up for lunch. but to be the kind of parent that it is important for me to be, it is a huge struggle. I did fine with just two for a long time. It gets bigger as they grow up too. I now have teens and wow, the energy it takes to really discuss and be available for the really important life lessons is daunting.
Listen very carefully to your heart not your hormones and maybe think about adoption as well. I have to admit I have always wondered if that isn't the perfect answer for someone like me. The idea of feeling great and healthy while caring for a newborn is so foreign to me, I think I would have loved it so much. I adore newborns but am so miserable and it goes by so fast. It really might be an excellent idea.
You both are awesome parents and will make the right choice for YOUR family. I wish you peace as you consider.

I told you!!! Didn't I tell you??? ("Who the hell is that?" I hear you muttering. S'ok. I remember the e-mail.)

It's totally up to you & Jon. Don't be swayed by anyone else (even Chuck). Yes, having a second kid is way more than twice the work. And for me, a second pregnancy was very very exhausting and No Fun At All (first was textbook and easy). Maybe for you it'll be reversed and the second time it'll be great, i.e.: no PPD and an easy baby.

Something else to think about: I routinely tried to kill my brother as a child. I was 2.5 years older and HATED him for intruding on my perfect world, where I was Queen.

I waited until my daughter was 3.3 to pop out Baby #2 -- precisely because I wanted her to be more mature and more secure in her place in the world than I apparently was. It seems to be working so far. And she actually HELPS me with the baby, which she would not be doing if she were a year younger. Just my .02.

I totally understand what you mean, but why do we have that impulse? Why does the cuteness of babies make us want to eat them? Other cute things don't seem to have that effect. I never feel the need to nibble on a kitten's paw but a tiny little foot waved at me while I'm changing a diaper, hell yes will I nibble on it.

I read this post with great interest as I am about to drop baby number 2 any minute now! We were very fortunate with our first baby (now 2 and a half) that she was very easy...no illness, no screaming, lots of sleeping and eating and feel like we were tempting fate to go ahead and have another one. The pregnancy just happened, no great plannning and although I am scared shitless I am also so excited and happy. I am the youngest of 4 and always thought I would have a large family, but I started late and am now 35 so this will be the last....good luck with your decision.

I've got six of my own, not that I'd recommend that to everyone, but if you're waiting for a good time you can forget it. You'll never have enough money or a big enough house, etc. I didn't set out to have 6 but I gotta say that I look at number 6 and think "What would I have done without her?" And look at it this way, if you screw up Leta at least you have a spare.

My little brother called me long-distance to ask me about how I knew that I should get married, because he's considering taking that step with his girlfriend. I turned all Yoda-like and said "There is no knowing. There is only doing. And maybe failing. And maybe being excellent."

For a while after that phone call, I wondered if that was indeed how I lived my life. I was full of crap. First, I worry and revisit all my fears. Second, I do. Third, I approximate a success somewhere between failing and excellent.

It's all been said already (and said WELL, i might add), so i'll sum up. I hesitate to vote because your womb is NOT a democracy, so i'll weigh in on both sides.

Pro-baby 2: Your health insurance situation may suck, but your sanity insurance situation is actually rather optimal right now. Leta is gaining independance, Jon is home, you have family around and a neighborhood you adore. On those inevitable and perhaps plentiful days after the 2nd arrived when you might wish you had only one child to parent, you could conceivably do just that. The people who love you best and are in your support network know the score by now, and will be happy to pinch hit for you. As for work, well that is never a perfect science, but you have networked yourself beautifully, and made huge strides. Why not choose to believe the trend will continue?

Pro Leta Solo: It's already been said better than this, but the point is that only children only get spoiled if they get spoiled. You already know how not to spoil a child by having grown up in the way that you did. Leta could still have lots of big-family experiences by visiting her cousins and friends and then return to her comparably quiet retreat of a home and count her blessings...ALOUD! And you could record it and post it for those of us in her fan club. I digress...

Every family situation has its inherent challenges, the finer points of which may never clear up 'in time' for the sitcom-perfect arrival of another member. However, from one recovering control freak to another, go with your heart rather than your head or your hormones, and you will be doing the right thing.

As severe as your depression was and that Leta was an unusually difficult baby/toddler (toddlerhood is often an indication of how they'll be as teens, so you may be tearing your hair out again in 9 or 10 years) and you're finally coming out of that, I'd vote no. Your sister has produced more than enough children for all of you! :-)

As usual, you say the things so many of us women are thinking but too afraid to say!!! THANK YOU!!!

To anyone who says you MUST have more than one child, ask them if they're coming over for the midnight feedings.

I always thought I'd have two kids. I grew up with siblings and always felt sorry for only children. I have an 8 yr old son and got my tubes tied two years ago. The chance of having PPD again was way too scary for me.

I actually think 4-6 yrs between kids is nice. One goes off to school while the baby gets your full attention. If your career can fit around that, I'd say it's the best choice. Plus that gives you a few more years to enjoy the sanity you've so recently regained!!

My two daughters were born six years apart, by choice. I wanted to enjoy my first born (and my recovered sanity) as much as possible and then enjoy my second baby's reign while Daughter#1 went off to school and was "mature enough" not to be jealous of Daughter#2. Six years difference has worked out for us, because that's when I felt I was ready for the next baby.

If you feel you're ready now, go for it now. You have a loving, nurturing environment that any family would be jealous of. I hope the money issue won't hinder the Blurbodoocery baby boom. Besides, you're not thinking in terms of marketing. If one baby has brought you all this celebrity on the web, think what blogging about two kids will do for Armstrong Media, LLC? Ooooh, two newsletters a month; I'm giddy with anticipation!

Not sure if this has already been said in the previous 296 emails, but new research indicates that a high intake of Omega-3 and Omega-6 fish oil can reduce the incidence of PND. Fortunately I live in Tasmania, where Atlantic salmon is considerably cheaper than petrol. It may be this alone which has saved me from sniffing the latter in the last 18 days since my daughter Isabel arrived, during which I HAVE NOT SLEPT. But she is beautiful. And I do want to eat her head.

I hope that when you do make this decision, it's for you and Jon and Leta, and not for any of those darling folks who say, "Oh, your child is so precious! ... Why haven't you spawned again already??" That sort of pressuring is something I can't understand. My brother and sister-in-law just had a baby a month ago, so I figure they have... oh... probably another two weeks before people start asking them when #2 is due.

And just for my useless .02, I have found in my own life and in people I've known, five years apart is a pretty reasonable time between kids, both for the kids growing up (never have the kids at the same school, not too close together that they have bad rivalry, not too far apart that they can't relate), and for the parents to rebound and adjust and get ready for it all again!