Little shop of horrors
Friday, August 29 2008
File Under:
Daily, Leta, Parenthood
link to this entry
257 comments
The last time we took Leta to the dentist she was so not having it that he had to inspect her teeth while standing three feet away. That was a long time ago, and we have not attempted the dentist since then because we are wimps. Also, when presented with the choice between a) spending an afternoon with sharp, lethal objects in my mouth being held by someone other than myself, or 2) sitting pantsless on the couch eating puffy cheetos while watching SpongeBob, let's just say that when Jon walked in and was all, you do realize you're half-naked and laughing at an animated sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea? I was all, then you take her to that place and watch what happens when that man in the white coat approaches her with a dental hook. Go ahead, I'll wait here and keep your seat warm.
Side note: last weekend while we were at the music festival in San Francisco, Jon and I waited for over four hours next to the front row railing next to stage that Radiohead would be playing. Which means we got to see them live from the front row, but we forgot to eat dinner. And that detail is only important because we forgot about our empty stomachs when a few hours after the show someone started buying us drinks at a bar in the Lower Haight. By the tray full. And then all of a sudden I'm lying in bed at the hotel with my pants off watching the Olympics, and I can't figure out how I got there. So I turn to Jon and go, dude, something weird just happened! I think we were teleported! And he's all, wait a minute, you don't remember stopping into that convenience store and picking up the tortilla chips that are in crumbs right now all over your chest? Or how you turned to me and whispered, "SHHHH! CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING? I CAN'T SEE SO GOOD." Or the cab ride home where you kept yelling BUMPY! BUMPY! BUMPY! at the driver? I don't remember any of it, and ask him how my pants ended up splayed across the top of the television like that, had Ed O'Brien been in here earlier? And he explains that the first thing I did when I walked in the door was rip off my pants, toss them behind my back and fall face first on the bed missing the nightstand by inches, which you have to admit, is just as sexy.
About a month ago our dental hygienist called and said, it's been a while, you do realize that this is a first world country? And that many people here have all their teeth? Would you like to keep yours? So we sucked it up and made an appointment, and since then have tried to prepare Leta for the experience. And by prepare her for it I mean that when she asked if going to the dentist was like going to the hospital I told her no, of course not. It's much, much worse.
Yesterday I volunteered to go first, and it wasn't that bad, I only lost a pint of blood, and then when it was Jon's turn to go I held Leta in my lap so that she could see what they were doing to him. I talked her through the cleaning and the brushing and the flossing, and every three seconds or so she would turn to me and say, "But they're not going to do that to me, right? RIGHT? SAY, 'RIGHT.'" I tried to steer her away from this line of thinking by telling her to watch her father, but this only made her bury her head into my chest even further. So I tried Plan B which was: "If you don't let them clean your teeth they are all going to fall out. And then you won't be able to talk. And then you'll die homeless."
One of the hygienists working a station over from ours yelled out, "OH MY GOD! My mother said the same thing to me! AND IT WORKED!" So you see, there existed a parent out there like me whose child did not end up a serial killer, although that kid now spends her days jabbing hooks and knives into the mouths of very frightened people. I'll be sure to add more hugging to my approach, then.
When it came time for Leta's exam I held her in my lap, climbed into the Chair of Doom and stroked her head to calm her down. Jon sat near us and held her hands, but she kept ripping them from his grip and trying to claw her way out of the building. If you can think of a reward, we used it to try and bribe her: more princess toys, a Barbie dream house, a weekend in Cancun with Dora, a chocolate pony that shits M&M's. But she screamed and cried and wriggled like we were branding her with an iron. She and Coco are a lot more alike than she'd like to admit. I mean, we yank the slightest bit on Coco's leash to get her to straighten up and stop barking at a trash can, and she yelps and flails as if we have just removed her gall bladder without anesthesia. Neighbors will look at us like, what on earth are you doing to that poor dog? And Jon is all, this is nothing. You should see how she reacts when we force her to play fetch in traffic.
Our hygienist is amazing with kids, thank God, and was able to time it just right so that when Jon slid Leta's trembling hand away from her own mouth for a half second she was able to touch a single tooth with the rubber toothbrush. And it was as quick as the realization that pancakes were not going to kill her, because Leta immediately relaxed, opened her mouth and let the hygienist clean every single tooth. And while she was in a forgiving mood the dentist ran over, got within inches of her face and was able to stick his fingers in her mouth to inspect her gums and teeth. Just like that it was over, and you would have thought she had just taken her first steps because we could not praise her enough. Tons of hugs and cheers and kisses, and that's when the hygienist broke out an array of princess toothbrushes, oh you upstaging hygienist! Just go ahead and send her to the Celestial Kingdom and give her her own planet, why don't you?
Because apparently there is no treat quite like a princess toothbrush. She's had Dora toothbrushes and Elmo toothbrushes and my mother is a horrible monster and bought me this RED? WITH NOTHING ON IT? NOT EVEN THE NAME OF A DENTAL CLINIC? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? toothbrushes, but never has she owned a toothbrush decorated with a Disney Princess. And she cradled that toothbrush for the rest of the afternoon, talked about how brave she had been by going to the hospital and letting those people look inside her mouth, how she would show Her Kids this Most Wonderful Toothbrush In All Of The Toothbrush Kingdom, and then at 5:30 PM she looked up at me and said, "I would like to go to sleep and brush my teeth now."
I got her to last until 6:30 PM, but then I couldn't take the pleading anymore, and after we dressed her in her pajamas she stood in that bathroom and brushed her teeth for ten straight minutes. I had to physically remove that toothbrush from her mouth, she did not want to let go, and after stories when I was kissing her goodnight she said, "After I sleep, can I brush my teeth? And then right after I brush my teeth I'll go to sleep again so that I can wake up and brush my teeth again." Yes, absolutely you can do that. You've totally earned it.
1. Megan said:
I forsee Princess toothbrushes becoming bartering tools in the near future.
"If you don't kiss Coco, I'll throw that toothbrush in the trash!"
2. Finch said:
My niece came home from the dentist... with a princess toothbrush
AND I NICKED IT FROM HER.
Okay, phew. I feel better now that I've admitted that - of course, she was not quite so attached to it as Leta and never mentioned it again, thankfully.
I have small hands, OK? I need a small toothbrush.
3. Megan said:
Or pretty much tools of cruelty and punishment.
(And that would be foresee, not forsee.)
4. Christie in Chicago said:
Oh, the power of a princess toothbrush . . . I now keep a drawer full of extras after a traumatic experience involving big sister's Cinderella toothbrush, younger brother, and the toilet. Needless to say I will never not keep at least a few princess replacements in reserve.
5. Jess said:
Oh, the power of the Disney Princesses. Bow before it.
In our house, it's the Disney Fairies. But same deal.
6. Penelope said:
As the Manager of an employee of the two year old set, princess toothbrushes sound like excellent motivational tools! I think I will implement this strategy at my company immediately!
(Can we please have more Heather drunk stories? Please?)
7. HouseofJules said:
I am bowing my head for a moment in hopes that for Coco's sake, she never grows opposable thumbs and borrows Leta's princess toothbrush.
8. Annie said:
I have kind of a pants allergy. They burn my flesh, so as soon as I walk into the house, I rip my pants off and do a touchdown dance.
(There was the one embarrassing incident where I started my pre-pants rip-off unbuttoning in the hall and a neighbor saw me and gave me a weird look.)
No one believes me that it's a real allergy, not even my husband. Seriously. I should be in a medical book.
9. Amanda said:
I am laughing out loud right now...
hilarious and so well written.
The pantless/drunk bit hand me falling off my chair.
Heather, you are my hero.
Amanda
10. Wendy said:
I wonder if they give grown-ups Princess Toothbrushes. Because I'm terrified of the dentist. I may have even passed that trait on to my children. But they're baby teeth. They fall out anyway, right? I mean, isn't that why God made them that way? So we don't have to take the little maniacs to the dentist?
11. DMK said:
I had to take my older son to the pediatric dentist because he had to be sedated before he would let a dentist examine him. He's 19 now and goes away to college and everything. Leta did very well!
12. Lynerd said:
There were no complaints of how awful-tasting the tooth polish is? Really? or the annoyance of the flossing? That's really impressive. The hygienist will have to come up with a bigger bribe once Leta discovers that biting dentists' fingers can lead to bigger rewards.
13. danielle said:
I second Penelope's request: more drunk Heather stories. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I can relate...
14. alex said:
When you find that chocolate pony that shits M&Ms, send him my way, will ya?
15. Nora said:
You got drunk in the Lower Haight? I live in the Lowe Haight! And that's how I go to bed every single night.
Well, not really, but every time I get drunk, one of the first questions I ask my boyfriend the next morning is, "How'd my pants get on the ______?" It's like drunkeness and pantslessness are handled in the same segment of the brain.
16. sara said:
I'm just realizing it's been awhile since I've been to the dentist and holy crap I so don't want to end up homeless and unable to talk! But I'm not really into princess toothbrushes... can I instead have whatever you had to drink to put you in your happy place? Because that sounds like more fun than brushing my teeth before bed.
I'm a lightweight though. I'm guessing one drink would be enough for me to think Michael Phelps is Spongebob.
sara
17. Laurie said:
Wow. Same experience. Ours ended with a Lightning McQueen toothbrush, though, and the boy was happy. BEGS to go to the dentist. He lost a tooth recently and another is on it's way out. "When are we going to the dentist so he can look at the holes in my mouth?" Yes. I'm going to pay the dentist to clean those holes.
18. gingela5 said:
I have to go to the dentist in a couple of weeks...I hope I get a princess toothbrush. Although I'm sure I won't deserve one.
19. Anonymous said:
Hyperbole, we can all safely conclude, is genetic.
20. DoulaMomma said:
I once brushed my teeth for about an hour...but it was in Amsterdam.
Thanks for the reminder - my kids & I are crazily, practically-illegally overdue for checkups.
21. the mighty jimbo said:
i can think of a few former girlfriends that i wish took that much time on their dental hygiene.
but i'm pretty sure it takes more than a princess toothbrush when in your twenties. they were probably just holding out for an orthodontist boyfriend. that's my theory.
in other news, i seem to have very similar san fran alcohol experiences. for some reason, booze in sf, just tastes better.
22. kate said:
Two Things: 1, My 35-year-old husband has a Hot Wheels electric toothbrush that he adores almost as much as Leta seems to love that Princess one. 2, your pants-off drunken evening had me laughing so, so hard recalling a particularly gruesome evening on a visit to London that involved nudity and falafal from the halal kebab place near our hotel. My husband threatens to release the photos from that incident should I displease him. :)
23. Kath said:
I am not a good patient at the dentist. I'm fearful and weepy. I always take a toothbrush and something from the kids' table, last time I took a pink pencil and it made me feel better. But in retrospect, I guess it's a $300.00 pencil because it's the only part of the whole expensive experience that I liked! Good on Leta for being a brave princess.
24. gingela5 said:
Oh yeah, I was also going to say that that couch that Leta is laying on looks SOOO comfortable. Lucky her and Chuck!
25. Sara said:
I have to comment on the picture of Chuck and Leta-- I think our pets have an amazing sense of when we need comfort. My cat has the feline version of ADHD. She cannot sit still for more than 5 minutes. But when I don't feel well, she will literally sit on my body in whatever spot I place her and will not move until I physically pick her up. Pets know.
26. Liz C said:
Oh this was so like what I went through with my son. At his first cleaning he was having NONE OF IT, period. Then the dentist told me he needed 4 crowns and 6 fillings because his teeth were decalcifying. Are you kidding me?!?
So I made an appt with a pediatric dentist and paid an extra $1000 (out of pocket) to have them give my son a squirt of Valium up the nose then put him under general anesthesia. Because if he even saw that dentist chair un-medicated it would be all over. And there was no way he would ever tolerate doing it over multiple visits.
He got it all done at once and afterwards didn't even remember how he got his 'silver teeth'. Since that day he loves the dentist. Must've been the Valium.
That was 4 years ago and my stomach cramps just thinking about it.
He's easier to deal with than he was when he was little, but it's still tough to get him to do anything he doesn't buy into 100%.
Good times.
27. sheasy said:
I think maybe I need a Disney princess toothbrush.
Way to go, Leta.
28. @manda said:
OH MY! I have never laughed so hard.
I think you are the absolute perfect parent and just because of your stories about Leta I cannot wait to be a mommy! :)
I read a lot of your blogs last night, and was looking at those cute dressed that you got her...
@
29. Ms. Karen said:
For us it was Thomas the Tank Engine toothbrushes. Many of them, because they would share...with the dogs, their toy trucks (the ones that had been outside), their friends...
30. cmom said:
During the years I was raising my four children, I discovered that if you make a big deal out of it, it will become a big deal. If you don't, then it won't. Come on, we have to go to the dentist. Part of life. Over. Deal. Great story.
31. DiaryofWhy said:
I was never scared of the dentist when I was little, I think because Mr. Rogers told me not to be. As an adult, I've come to the conclusion that Mr. Rogers has never had a root canal. Free toothbrushes do help ease the sting a little bit, though. I'm a sucker for swag.
32. Emma said:
I was never scared of the dentist as a kid, nor am I now. I think this is because I never had a bad experience - not one filling in my 24 years.
And maybe because I have so much anxiety about othe things there's no room to worry about the dentist!
But I can see how the dentist is a scary place - so congrats to Leta for being brave. Somehow I don't think you'll have a problem taking her back to The Land of Princess Toothbrushes...
Also - Congrats to you and Jon for 6 years of happy marriage!!!
33. ChloeM said:
In the bad old days, the first spouse and I would drink at parties to the point that we didn't remember which one of us drove home.
But after we had children, things changed. There was only one occasion when I woke up in the guest room, found the buttons from my shirt ripped off and scattered across the floor (too impatient to unbutton), and found the car with two flat tires in the driveway. This after a party I attended alone.
I'm not bragging - I'm amazed to be alive - older, wiser, and sober. In fact, I'm the designated driver for any and all occasions and loving the control.
34. J. said:
I had MUCH dental trauma when I was young, and all of the Disney Princess' couldn't make up for it. However, I also had great negative examples of what happens to your mouth without regular dental exams, so while I find the dentist unpleasant, I find I like having my teeth so much more.
35. Susan said:
I NEED the name of Leta's dentist!! The last time I went to the dentist, found out I needed a tooth pulled. NOW. Had to wait for the antibx since I've had a total hip replacement (for my 40th bday).
I will get another hip replacement before I go through that tooth pulling procedure again -- and that was with good drugs (mask and IV). Spit out bone for days.
If only I'd been using a princess toothbrush all those years. Now I'm taking very, very good care of my teeth. Good for Leta!
36. Barb said:
I love reading your blog (I know, you hear that all the time!) and I love the tale of Leta at the dentist (and all the other stories of Leta and well, everything else).
But. . . today's Daily Chuck photo is so special. It just may be my all-time favorite (and there are sooooo many). He is definitely amazing!
Thanks for sharing your crazy life with us.
37. Elena said:
Oh my god - Radiohead! In the FRONT ROW. How did your head not explode??
I saw them here in Seattle (granted, from a couple hundred thousand feet away) and it was so amazing. That's great to hear you're a Radiohead fan!
38. rachel said:
the upstaging hygenist? send her to the celestial kingdom and give her own planet? for days that will cause me to break out into obnoxious laughter. thanks.
39. Marinka said:
You know, in a few years, Leta will have a Disney Princess toothbrush and it will have a fight with her Hannah Montana toothbrush, or her Suri Cruise toothbrush (what? you thought that your daughter would have only one toothbrush at a time? Why would you deprive her like that, why?)
I don't know what the solution is, but I thought I'd warn you.
Or maybe dentures are a solution.
40. Alison said:
"Just go ahead and send her to the Celestial Kingdom and give her her own planet, why don't you?"
LOL! Love Mormon humor... =)
41. Hallie said:
Great blog entry, as usual. Guess we're lucky we never had any dentist issues with our kiddos.
COme on over and join the Wiener World CAMPAGIN ACROSS AMERICA!!
Hallie
42. dragonhart said:
My friend, the dentist (I know, right, and yet, she is still my friend!) gave my 3 year old son a toothbrush that plays Queen's "We are the Champions".....don't be jealous....
The best part is how LOUD it is inside your mouth, and how my son is sooooooooo impressed that I know the words and sing along as he brushes away!
We will, we will rock you!
43. Bobbie said:
Having only seen your blog a few days ago, I've now become somewhat addicted to it, which is why I'm sat here reading/ commenting on it in my sleep deprived state when I should be tucked under my duvet snoring my head off.
Way to go to your dentist for thinking on his feet and being swifter than a swift thing!
44. Julie said:
What the freaking heck!! I AM IN LOVE WITH Dooce.
45. Jennifer said:
I'm not usually afraid of the dentist, but when I got my teeth cleaned yesterday there was a new hygienist. She told me if I didn't hold the sucker thing right, I was gonna get it and there was no one there to hear me scream. Yikes.
46. Chris said:
I must admit a tear came to my eye out from the joy I felt for Leta! I have been there with my daughter too. So exciting! Congrats!
47. Sara said:
Hilarious!
You know, now that Leta is older and is able to communicate so well her fears and refusals, she reminds me so much of myself at that age. Okay, still. To this day. Feel sorry for my husband. Anyway, it makes me smile (and feel yours and Jon's pain). Everything has to be her idea, when she's damn good and ready, and don't you dare think about making it otherwise. Because it just won't happen. And ohhh do I ever get the fear of doctors and dentists. My father is a doctor, and every time I would visit him at the hospital as a little girl, I would hear the screams of children getting stitches. I've been rather stand-offish with docs ever since. Back to my point...I am here to tell you that the "it has to be Leta's idea and Leta's idea only" might not ever go away, but damn if doesn't make life interesting.
Just think of it as honing your parenting and negotiating skills. The battles you win will be that much more rewarding. And when she has children of her own, you can sit back and laugh when they are just as stubborn as she is.
The Chuck of the day...oy...you must've spent the rest of the day just watching that, right? How sweet can he get?!
48. Sarah said:
I just want to get you drunk.
49. J. Bo said:
For me, to this day, the dentist's office is all about "Highlights" magazine.
50. Rachel said:
I loathe going to the dentist. That little scrapey thing is by far the worst experience. I may have to start demanding cuter toothbrushes from my dentist.
51. juneyor said:
when I was a kid I had an "old school" dentist. so much that I didn't know anesthesia existed until I was 16 and went to a new dentist. He would drill out cavities with nothing other than telling you to listen to the radio. which by the way sucked because it was talk radio. If I find that bastard again I'm kicking him in the shins.
52. SarahHub said:
I've got to see if anyone makes a Backyardigans toothbrush. You may have saved my daughter's teeth...
53. gladcow said:
my daughter got a princess toothbrush on her first dentist visit (along with a toy and some stickers!) and now every time she goes to the dentist she wheedles with the hygienists until they come up with another princess toothbrush. she always gets them to break out the back stock, heh.
54. Lisa said:
So... a little something about Stars?
They played a show in L.A. a few years ago and ended their set with, "We're Stars. And so are you."
I haven't been able to give them a fair shake ever since.
Glad you got to see them though!
55. Jill Shalvis said:
Power to the princess, lol!
56. ritabby said:
You and Tina Fey. Please write a book together. You are both hysterically funny!
57. T said:
Oh my heck... I AM ROLLING!
58. Anonymous said:
When I was little, my Mom told us if we weren't good, we couldn't brush our teeth before we went to bed. And it WORKED.
59. Jamie Watson said:
I will just say that from the hotel room to the dentist's office, this post made me very happy.
60. Sam said:
You should have spared yourself the trip and moved to KY... it's where I live, and nobody has all of their teeth. In fact, I think losing a tooth is a rite of passage, like puberty or getting pulled over for public intoxication. Just sayin'.
61. Anissa@Hope4Peyton said:
But I don't have to go have my root canal. Right? Say RIGHT! I wonder if that'll work any better for me than it did for Leta.
62. jennielynn said:
The "right? Say right!" still has me howling. God, that kid of yours is so hilarious.
63. Katie said:
When I go to the dentist next week I am hoping for shots of vodka as my reward. Hopefully I will wake up in my bed after being teleported home, preferably with my pants on though - cause, you know...dentists...
64. Stellare said:
I hate going to the denists. And so should Leta. :-)
65. Kelly said:
You taking your pants off as soon as you hit home is hilarious. And makes me feel a little less weird about this practice, so I really hope you're not making that up or anything. Right? Say RIGHT!
66. Mama Manifesto said:
If only they made Xanax Chewables. 'Cause that's the only way mommy is sitting in that chair of torture.
And now I have Steve Martin singing in my head.
"I thrill when I drill a bicuspid"
67. almost vegetarian said:
I loathe the dentist, simply loathe the dentist (and she is the nicest person in the world). But going, oh, what a horror.
But if she gave me a princess toothbrush, well, I can see how that would certainly change things.
Think I could get away with asking her for one? I probably should mention I'm, oh, a million years older than Leta. Think that makes a difference?
Cheers!
68. Deborah Rey said:
STOP! I'm old! Gimme a break, please, I almost died laughing.
AND I made it this time commenting.*
AND I wanted to wish you many more 'let-them-be-nice' six years with your man and Leta. He must be a nice bloke, licking the dogs scar.
AND, please, tell Leta that the French Minister of Health and the Rest also wears those pink plastic shoes. No kidding!
RIGHT!
*bloody time-diference always does me in.
69. Amelia Sprout said:
Wow, right now all I have to do to bribe the kiddo is give her canned pears. You mean I'm going to have to give into the princess bullshit?
I hate the dentist, but that's only because the one I went to when I was a kid showed me the drill by drilling a hole in my finger. Cause you know, that's productive.
70. BOSSY said:
Bossy in intrigued with the Life of Sleeping part, if not entirely The Toothbrush Breaks.
71. Tess said:
We just went through an experience with the dentist with my three year old. She had a cavitiy-that I was blamed for because she was a nursing baby? I made my husband take her and I get to take her to fix another one next week. I dont look forward to it but maybe they'll have a princess toothbrush!
72. Helen Tarnation said:
My son, who just turned 29 and is fairly well-adjusted, had a supernumerary baby tooth at age 4. The regular-sized tooth was there, with a skinny little extra tooth to the side of it. Or so I thought...turned out the skinny tooth was supposed to be there and the normal looking one...not so much. It had to come out.
Fearing future orthodontic problems (which there were anyway), the dentist suggested removal. A pediatric dentist was contacted...so wonderful. No parents allowed behind the curtain (keeps the clutching and screaming down!) When they told me I could come back, I asked Junior if he was done and he said he didn't think so...the dentist said he'd be right back. He came back...with a little blue treasure chest holding the tooth. No shot or gas or anything....he didn't even know the dentist had pulled it! He did that really forced laughing...like kids do when they're so glad it's over and didn't hurt that they could almost cry.
I so wanted that little treasure chest....I can definitely see the allure of the princess toothbrush!
73. The Husband said:
Our daughter refuses to let me brush her teeth until after she brushes them. That's right. Two brushings. Seriously, I'm a grown man taking orders from a three-year-old on matters of dental hygiene.
74. ma 2 one said:
Raising children is exhausting!
75. Ava's nanny said:
Ugh. I take a 4 year old to the dentist next week. Hopefully there will be princess toothbrushes...
76. Hey You said:
Right now this very instant sitting on my dryer is a pile of birthday presents to The Son. In one of those packages? A Thomas the Tank Engine singing toothbrush with matching tooth paste (BERRY FLAVORED!!). I hope he considers it a gift and not something to cross off of the grocery list.
77. Anonymous said:
I loved going to the dentist as a kid. I must have been supremely retarded. I always got a beautiful ring with an exquisite colored glass solitaire. I'm not so fond of it now because it fucking hurts.
78. Jennifer said:
I love the Leta discovery stories... the tumble bus, pancakes, now dentist and tooth-brushing. They're so incredibly sweet, as she takes her own interesting path to discovering new things about her world.
p.s. as an adult - I LOVE the dentist. I think it's because as a child I got to pick a prize from the treasures drawer after each cleaning. Leta's off to a good start.
79. Devon said:
My grandfather, and and uncle are all dentists, and my grandpa did all of my dental work as a kid. I still have trouble going to a dentist not related to be.
I'm 20. It's a little sad.
But I also would like to add that my grandparents are the horrible, awful people who give out toothbrushes instead of candy on Halloween.
80. Kristine said:
Can't.Stop.Laughing!
81. anna said:
Yeah, funny story, but what's funnier? Regular readers of yours--MORE THAN ONE--say, "Oh My Heck" without irony.
82. MrsScrim said:
Love your site! Love Leta! I have a 4 year old son who is her male equivalent. We could hook them up later... they'll either kill each other or make more. And don't worry... I think I am the same kind of "nontraditional" parent.
83. MrsScrim said:
Oh yeah... by the way, Devon .... my MOM is the awful lady who gives out pennies at Halloween instead of candy. Come ON!
84. Sarah said:
Hey, at least your pants were in the same room as you.
We did a dentist visit recently too and made the mistake of reading a book in which a girl goes to the dentist, gets frightened, bites the dentist's finger, and then runs away. (It is, in case you are wondering, Vera Goes to the Dentist.) And the kid told the hygienist ALL ABOUT IT before her exam started, which I think was giving the poor dental professional visions of it being her own blood that would be spurting around the room.
But let me tell you, she didn't bite a single person and she loves her plain purple toothbrush and her travel-sized kid toothpaste soooooo much!
85. Cassie said:
Haha, that is awesome.
86. Spatula said:
I think you and Jon should have gotten a treat at the end too. What would be the adult equivalent of the Disney Princess Toothbrush? Something tells me it would have a USB port on it somewhere.
Also, isn't it cool that the dentist still has all his fingers?
87. talora said:
I tell my 4 year old daughter that if she doesn't let me brush and floss her teeth the sugar bugs will make them rotten and black like a witch's teeth. That kid now has the pearliest whites you've ever seen. The accolades I receive from her dentist do make me feel just the *tiniest* bit guilty though; fortunately, it's fleeting.
88. Sandy said:
Heather, you are absolutely hilarious. PLEASE, please, please get drunk more often and write of your adventures. I mean, the kid is cute and all, but stories about Leta usually just make me giggle and smile, while drunken Heather stories make my sides ache and my nose run (in the best possible way). I freaked my dogs out just now... Hilarious! Keep 'em coming!
89. Jennifer said:
I'm so glad that you all endured the dentist with a happy ending for Leta. My oldest (now 6) has always had a really hard time in situations like that. While it is kind of funny to look back and think about how crazy of a time it is, I really feel for all three of you in the thick of the situation. It's hell. If it makes you feel any better, my daughter has gotten better and better with these kinds of events. In fact, she had to get a filling last year and she didn't shed a single tear.
90. JoeGirl said:
Leta is going to run for President some day, and there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it. And she’ll have nicer teeth than any who came before her.
92. Julie said:
You are lucky that Leta let them into her mouth! My son, who has a sensory disorder, would absolutely, no way, let the hygienist into his mouth. No amount of bribery worked. We ended up going to the pediatric dentist, who is just amazing. All the dental chairs are kid sized, there are tvs in every room which they play animated Disney/Pixar movies on, lovely decorations everywhere, lots and lots of kids books... and people who work with kids all day, every day. They are great and totally worth the extra expense, in my opinion.
93. moondoggie said:
I've just started the dental implant process that takes nine freakin' months, including two 'go to sleep' sessions. Does that earn me a new car?
Oh, and of course my insurance does not cover this...And the oral surgeon looks like a twelve year old--I don't think he even shaves yet...And he's on Facebook...you think Leta's trip to the dentist was scary...
94. Alicia said:
So off topic, but I feel better because someone else already mentioned it...where did you get that couch?? It looks so comfortable, and I am in the market for a good couch.
95. Spandrel Studios said:
Wow, congratulations on getting Leta through a full dental visit! The princess toothbrush would have been a boon to my sister and me when we were kids, hating on the dentist...
There was the visit to the dentist at age 4 where I BURST into tears like a cartoon character, nearly inconsolable, because they came at me with the pick first, instead of brushing my teeth first (unlike the other 2 times I'd been there). I was convinced that meant I had a cavity, which my Mom had predicted would be the result of all the candy I scarfed down at that age, and my teeth would fall out. The end.
Good times!
96. Lily said:
Yes and I would love the dentist if I got a princess toothbrush too! Might send a link to this post to my dental hygienist and hope she gets the BIG HINT. My dentist happens to be addicted to plastic surgery and is trying to become Barbie - now that should interest Leta even moreso (if you care to make the trip to Australia for dental visits that is). Its the only reason why I keep going back to her - to check what 'work' she has had done lately. I mean after all, I have a self interest - I and her other patients are funding it.
97. Jen said:
If Chuck ever gets scared of that M&M shitting chocolate pony, please send Chuck my way!!
PS. Last time at the dentist, I started to choke on my own saliva ( I know...the vaccuum and the hygentist weren't playing well together) I reached up and PUSHED the dentist out of my mouth as I sat up. He was not happy. They're all evil and were probably bullied on the playground thus forcing them to take such malicious careers.
98. Gila said:
Heather,
You are so funny I think I just peed myself. I mean, you are laugh-out-loud funny - but seriously, have you heard of a pediatric dentist? They are fabulous. My kids wear headphones while they are laying back in chairs watching a movie and they don't want to leave!
Seriously, I aspire to be less than half as funny as you.
99. Andi said:
Did Radiohead play "No Surprises"??? If so, are you certain that you didn't remove your pants THEN? Because I totally would have. I used to be a sorta groupie (back when I had a cute ass and boobs that pointed in the right direction) and I've been known to do crazier things than that to get a hot musician to notice me.
Oh, I shouldn't have shared that. Sorry.
100. Cecilia said:
Heather your exploits never fail to amuse me! It probably goes against my self interest to say this, but you do know you are being played, right? (by Leta, Chuck and Coco).
I also admit that my first child and I freaked out together about lots of stuff, in spite of all that at 27 she's a bright, accomplished, fun and healthy individual and we love hanging out now laughing about our experiences.
And with the subsequent 5 kids I've gotten progressively more practical, but I try and let the crazy mom out if things get too dull around here.
101. Connie said:
Last time I went to the dentist, I left with a prescription for Lortab. It totally justified getting my wisdom teeth pulled out before the numbing shots could kick in.
102. thesassykathy said:
Fabulous - I really can't get enough. Damn this Dooce addiction. Fortunately I was in the comfort of my own home when I read this post - usually I start snickering at work (in a feeble attempt not to laugh TOO loudly), and elicit many a raised eyebrow from my coworkers.
103. houndrat said:
So, um, do you think the princess toothbrush trick works for boys? Because my son is almost 5 and has yet to visit the dentist. Perhaps I'd better have my third-world country excuse planned when we finally make an appearance at the torture, I mean dentist, office.
And I haven't been to the dentist since....well, let's just say longer than my kid, and leave it at that. The idea of paying someone to poke a sharp stick inside my mouth? Just not very tempting....
104. Buy Sneakers said:
Disney Princesses... is there anything that they can't do?
105. Dale Cruse said:
I hear this in your future: "COCO IS LOOKING AT MY TOOTHBRUSH!"
106. Beat Depression said:
My God... this post just reminded me of how much I have, do and always will hate the dentist.
Thanks for nothing... lol
107. Missives From Suburbia said:
For years, I lived in a bazillion dollar home in the Lower Haight that had to have the graffiti scrubbed from it every morning, and located a half a block from a medicinal marijuana club and a bar that gave you drinks so strong your first urge when arriving home was to rip off your pants and throw them on top of the TV. So I totally know the scene.
I'm taking notes on the whole princess thing, since our first (and only) daughter is due this December. I figure I have a few years to stock up on Polly Pockets (whatever those are) and princess fetish toothbrushes. Someone should create a tax-free savings fund for that kind of stuff. Really.
108. Kristan said:
Maybe next time offer a Disney princess that shits M&Ms?
(By the way, your Captcha is telling me to "be Leaman." What does that mean? Is that the way to enlightenment?)
109. Dani said:
Oh.dear.God. "A chocolate pony that shits M&Ms."
I was laughing so hard that my fiance kept looking at my funny and peering at my laptop to try and find the source of hilarity.
Also? I despise the dentist. Hate. Loathe. Refuse to go to the point of living with serious wisdom tooth pain just because I HATE THEM THAT MUCH. I know, I'm an idiot. When I finally get off my ass and go there damn well better be a week in Cancun with Dora waiting for me when I'm done.
110. Natasha said:
Ah, I love the dentist. Don't relate to this. I guess I'm JUST so brave. :-D
This story reminds me of the Arthur episode where D.W. HATESHATESHATES spinach! She haaaaates spinach! It turns people into green spinach heads! She'll never eat it, NEVER EVER! Then, they go to a restaurant and she has spinach pie without knowing it and she loves it and asks the waiter what it is and he says, "Spinach" (You knew that was coming, didn't you? You're so smart! :-) and the family GASPS in anticipation of her giant 4-year old tantrum that will be heard many Celestial planets away, and she's all, "What? I love spinach." Like, duh.
Arthur is soooo much better than Dora. You should look into it.
Love ya.
111. s.i. said:
I am deathly afraid of the dentist and have the teeth to prove it. So whenever I wanted to get my son to go to the dentist or to brush his teeth, I would just scare him into it by showing him my teeth. "You don't want to end up looking like THIS do you??" Worked every time.
112. Anonymous said:
This is strictly a suggestion, but maybe if you guys didn't make such a big deal out of it, she wouldn't either? It sounds like she acts like this for attention more than anything else and you guys feed into it. Maybe out of guilt for not paying more attention to her? Children will act like that a lot of the time when they're not receiving the attention they need/require/thrive on. Her light will only glow so bright on her own...alone... as much as it sounds she is during the day. Just a suggestion. Good luck.
113. Christina said:
You and John really fit the model of "good-fit parenting". If only everyone respected their children as much as you do. Leta is a lucky girl.
Also, this has to be one of the most hilarious posts I've ever read.
114. Fishing Around said:
Hilarious! I love it!!
115. Paula said:
My youngest daughter is about 6 months younger then Leta and while she loves brushing her teeth (Princess toothbrushes help)I fear having to bring her to the dentist. I can just imagine the imploding of her world when they want to poke around in her mouth.
Also...I love the drunk you. My husband couldn't figure out why I was laughing hysterically and could barely breathe enough to tell him what was so funny. It reminds me so much of me when I wake up the next morning wondering what happened.
116. Adelaide Web Designers and SEO said:
I think I agree with Anonymous - it sounds like she is looking for attention. Go the ignore tactic.
117. Gypsy said:
That's funny, I call my dentist The Little Shop of Horrors, and not just because it's The Dentist. Because it really is. It's low-rent dentistry. I went there because my last dentist was so fancy that a cleaning charge exceeded what my shitty insurance would pay. So I found a cheaper one. WAY cheaper. Then I didn't have insurance. Kept going. Now I'm addicted to the pain.
Plus, they don't seem to think I need a crown and every other dentist does. Therefore, my Little Shop of Horrors dentist is the smartest dentist in town.
119. Ked said:
priceless...every detail is just priceless as always
P.S. my captcha is "roundly Isaac". I've been looking for a good band name for a while now, and I think I've finally found it.
120. Astrogirl426 said:
My God - I think I have had that EXACT same night, right down to the cab ride ("Bumpy!") and the amnesia-chips (except for me it was Pringles... mmm, Pringles).
Oh yeh, and I *didn't* miss the nightstand. Which, let me tell you, was even sexier.
121. Lori W said:
I love to read about your day because then it keeps me from killing my 18-year old who has spent a nanosecond at college (she's been there since the 21st) who now wants permission to drive home 9 1/2hours EACH way to see her boyfriend who works a dead end job and won't go to college. But her story is "mom, dad I want to come home for the long weekend and be with you and shop for clothes for my work-study job and if you loved me you would let me do it because if I get killed on the road because of the SNOW storm they are expecting in Idaho I will still died happy knowing that you love me and that you let me see Zach.
Keep writing Heather because I need a shot of vodka and to read...
122. StampyDurst said:
This post and the comments touched so many "nerves" (pun totally intended) with me. When I was a child, our "pediatric dentist" told my parents my teeth were decalcifying and needed to be capped (lovely silver caps - yes, I was called "Oscar the Grouch" for years) to prevent me from needing braces. No anesthesia. But my loyalty was bought with cheap plastic rings from an equally cheap plastic treasure chest. I, too, was a young whore for swag.
Several years later, I needed to have four teeth pulled before I got the braces I'd been tortured to avoid. Ain't reality a bitch? I got some good drugs for that one, and regained conciousness clutching a highlights magazine giggling over Goofus and Gallant at the mature age of 14. I then spent two years picking chick-fil-a buns out of my braces.
I ended up with beautiful, straight, white teeth. So straight, in fact, that I was once "inflagrante delecto" (sp?) when the guy looked up at me at a crucial moment and asked "Are those your real teeth?" Passion killer for sure.
The unfortunate addendum to this story is that during this whole time, I get getting "prophylactic fillings" for "deep crevices" caused by the apparently horrid "decalcification". Several years later, one of these prophylactic fillings cracked and led me to a root canal. My wondrous teeth apparently had an accessory nerve that they couldn't figure out how to numb, so I felt them drill out every nerve. Egads. The dentist's assistant left the room crying at how much pain I was in. So i just about pissed myself when I read, "Mr. Rogers has never had a root canal."
That being said, I didn't cry. When it was over, however, I looked at the dentist and asked, "Don't I get to pick something from the treasure chest?"
123. Most Offensive said:
What happened to the treasure chest at the dentists? That was the best part by far...
Too bad at age 6 I looked forward to treasure chests at the dentist but now my life is more like your drunken night at the music festival. Maybe I should go to the dentist?
124. AmberStar said:
Your day was much like mine yesterday when I took my mother in law to the hairdresser and to lunch for her 90th birthday. I don't know when I'll ever get over it.
125. Lisa said:
I could barely read that because I am so afraid of the dentist even your daughter going stresses me out.
126. Robin said:
Oh man. I feel your pain. Good news that she finally consented and it was a good experience. We had to go to a pediatric dentist because our daughter would not be examined by our regular dentist. Good for all of you!
127. Captain Dumbass said:
I get to take my oldest monkey for his first appointment this week. After his first day of kindergarten. Because the world isn't cruel enough.
128. Kat said:
Brave Leta, I HATE going to the dentist, too. Hate it. Then the insult at the end of all that pain and scraping is to have to pay money for the privilege, who thought up that one?
129. zmama said:
My 17 year old son very nearly faints every time he has to go see the dentist. Spiders of any sort also have that effect on him.
But he still goes to the dentist, albeit complaining all the way, and he will deal with a spider if his sister isn't available to do so ;)
And thanks for the princess toothbrush thing... **hatches nefarious plan**
130. Mother Earth said:
about the age of your leta, i started looking for a pediatric dentist for my son - since all personal hygiene was cruel and unusual punishment I knew i had to get ahead of the game if this kid was going to school - the dental exam was required. leta would have adored the decor because it was filled with disney animation cell drawings ( is that how you say that ? ) Many MANY princess ones, lion king, winnie the pooh - yet the very best part was the actual dentist who was enough of a goofball that my kids immediately related to him and my kids literally giggled through their appointments - i will add this one detail - this guy had the worst hair implants known to man, in later yrs my kids both told me they use to count the "plugs" while having their teeth cleaned and compare numbers later. I think that's classic
My son went to him until he was 18 yrs old!!
131. Daddy in Training said:
Oh, the trauma. If you think the dentist causes you anxiety,wait 'til you have a 13 yr old high school freshman cheering on the varsity squad. Jon, all I'm gonna say is spanky pants and mini skirt. My wife won't let me within 600 yards of the high school. Anything less than that and I might end up on CNN.
132. fruitlady said:
My friend's dog eats toothbrushes. So you could use the "I'll let Coco eat your princess toothbrush if you don't...right now!" line. You know, to keep her in line.
133. CapableGirl said:
I love when Leta talks about "her kids." It is so cute.
134. Eve Grey said:
Don't get too smug lady cuz you just wait until X-ray time where even the promise of a transformer did not stop my son from gagging and then barfing up the cardboard gag when it touched his uvula (i so used to get that mixed up with vulva). So, yeah, no x-rays for him.
135. SportsFan's Daughter said:
When I was little I HYPERVENTILATED & PASSED OUT at the dentist when I saw his spit guard mask, which reminded me of the anesthesia mask I had to wear for my EAR TUBE SURGERY. No princess toothbrush for that one.
136. Walking With Scissors said:
If I had only known that Princess toothbrushes were the keys to getting my daughter to sleep, I would have bought one ages ago...
137. April said:
That's just great!!! The princess toothbrush does it everytime!!! You had me LOLing in real life, thanks!!!
138. winewife said:
I used to be a hygienist before I decided that staying home with the children was WAY more fulfilling. I took my daughter in to have her teeth cleaned on Tuesday (not by me). My daughter has never felt fear in any situation in her life (so unlike Mommy) and every person is just a friend she hasn't met yet. She thought getting her teeth cleaned was winning the lottery and no princess toothbrushes were required, although she thought the little pink hourglass for timing brushing was AMAZING! That night going to bed I asked her what her favorite part of the day was and, at first, she said, "Getting my teeth cleaned". Then she paused and said, "No, EVERYTHING is my favorite!" I would give alot to have a piece of that mindset...
139. Starshine said:
Hooray for breakthroughs! Yea, Leta!
140. Julie said:
I hate the fucking dentist.
141. jiru said:
Yeah, Leta! That's awesome. I'm so proud of your brave girl. My kiddo thinks the treasure chest full of plastic crap and stickers she gets to choose from after the cleaning is the most wonderful thing ever.
142. Claudious said:
I love that tactic for getting her to brush her teeth, I'm going to have to try that with mine.
I wonder if princess toilet paper will help me potty train, while I'm at it, a princess mop and bucket might not be too much to ask for also.
Do they sell working princess vaccums?
143. Christy Wood said:
Leta reminds me so much of my daughter, who is almost three. I've been following this blog for a couple of years now and it's like I get a free preview of what I am about to go through.
We've already gone through the appointment where the dentist was all, "ummm...maybe she doesn't need her teeth cleaned," then ran as fast as she could away from us. This gives me hope that when my daughter is ready, she will allow her teeth to be cleaned.
And I was very teared up at the part where she was asking to go to bed at 5:30 so she could brush her teeth.
Congrats on a successful visit!
144. Joe said:
It is such a great day when you see your child make such an advance. What a great post Heather.
145. yoan said:
I live in a third world country, and your dentist is right, I do not have all of my teeth. I blame my orthodontist *stares meaningfully* she talked me into it. and I did not get a Pocahontas toothbrush out of it *sigh*
146. jenny said:
disney is just plain evil.
147. feathermaye said:
Hysterically funny.
Somehow I've managed to go all this time without knowing what a dooce was. I'm am now forever enlightened and will be back for more!
148. Kandice said:
Ahh, the power of fancy toothbrushes. I bribe my kids into brushing by buying them tooth tunes that play their favorite disney channel stars while they brush. It works great!
149. Jaime said:
Shouldn't that title be "Leta Shop of Horrors"?
150. #99 said:
I think we all need t-shirts that say....
"Do you Dooce?"
I'm totally, shamelessly addicted and talk to my family about you all like I know you--like I've been to your house, scratched behind Chuck's ears, twirled Leta around in her tunic dress, and helped Jon drain the edamame.
Thanks for making the world a little brighter.
I Dooce. I surely do!
151. Jennifer said:
I am so asking for a chocolate pony that shits M&M's for Christmas.
152. Susan said:
I LOVE this story!!! It made me smile at the end. And the rest make me nod my head in sympathy as I have two little girls that I've had to drag to the dentist and the dread each time the appt arrives is horrendous!
153. Micaela said:
We must be opposites because one morning I woke up at my house in the country, 30 minutes away from downtown, where I'd been the night before, wearing only pants and one sock with no memory of the previous night. How I got back there is still one of the great mysteries of my life.
Then again, I'm not wearing pants right now so maybe we're not complete opposites.
154. Dijea said:
OMG, I wish there was a magic transformer/spongebob or something toothbrush that would get my boys that excited about brushing their teeth. We are all terrified of the evil doctor of teeth. My dentist prescribes me xanax just to get me in the door and is usually nice enough to gas me during the experience too.
155. Bibi said:
I am in agreement with Julie, #140. Nicely put.
We took the "it's got to be done" business-like approach with our daughter when she began getting her teeth cleaned. She went to our dentist - no balloons, no treasure chest of treats - just go in and get it done.
This was fine, until my daughter needed to have a cavity filled. I had mistakenly scheduled a pediatrician appointment the day before (where she received a vaccination booster), so when the dentist came at her with the injection prior to doing any work, well...let's just say we were given a referral to a pediatric dentist.
Power to the swag!
156. Mrs. Kennedy said:
"Chocolate pony that shits M&Ms"?! Well done, madam.
157. Bibi said:
Oh, and one more thing - because I just saw the 'Daily Chuck' and had to comment on the love.
The sweetness of the photo and the pull on the heart strings that comes from seeing a child sick aside (although my 11-year old is sick today with the stomach flu and reinacting the same pose, only with Spooky the cat), that couch and blanket look wicked comfy! The couch looks like it as soft as the blanket. Sheesh! Why'd I let my husband talk me into getting leather?
158. piglet said:
if i say this was funny, you'll believe me right? you won't think "yeah, that's what a billion other people said"? you two made a beautiful baby.
i took my son from a very early age with me to almost every den