Leta is a lucky, lucky girl.

Also, she seems more than prepped for the tequila and salt right about now.

Rivers of snot are so much fun. Great post, natch.

I've missed this Dooce, what with all the fame and the books and the cleaning up dog shit. Thanks for letting it all hang out for those who are hanging on by a thread.

Heather, once again you have come through for me. I am so glad to know that it gets better. I have a wonderful baby and 2 older wonderful kids but there are days when you would just rather jump off a ledge than listen to the crying screaming or bickering for one more minute. I know it gets better and I am thankful for every minute that I get to enjoy my kids because of the help I have gotten from family friends and some serious medication. You rock girl.

thanks for this.

This was stunning. And so full of hope for me as I watch my two year-old hurl herself on the floor and have 18 tantrums an hour. It gets better? Really? This is good.
You've come so far.

I just LURV you.

My husband and I have just started trying to get pregnant, and I'm a little scared about how hard it will be getting through the baby stage. I love reading your posts about the process, and I am really looking forward to the stage where you are with Leta right now.

Loving your archive photos of Leta. She was a cute little bunny as a baby and is still a cute little girl. Coco looks like she's growing up. You'll need to post a full body photo of her so we can see how big she's gotten. Do you know that another blogger/writer named her giant puppy Coco? Coco is a Great Pyrennes puppy. Google Suzanne McMinn, she has a blog called Chickens In The Road.

Posting a) just to be near the beginning and b) to say "amen, sister". I was one who did not naturally cotton to motherhood. My little girl is 10 mos younger than Leta. I laugh and cry with you more than I should - because I only have time to look while I'm at work - oops. When I found this site, I couldn't stop telling people about it. I kept saying - "what she said." That's it exactly. And so I will be sending this URL to two dear friends who are in newborn hell to remind them that someday, sooner than they can imagine, they will be talking about lipgloss, or in my own recent case, all the reasons why a real cow cannot come into our house - enumerated of course.

i can't say it any other way, but thank you. i am where you were and i hope to someday be where you are. keep leading the way kemo sabe.

A W E S O M E P O S T!!!!! Thank you so much for the hope for the future!

You wrote this for me, as I bounce my crying, 8 week old son in his bouncy chair. There are lots of days when he and I just cry together and I think I am so not cut out for this, even though I've wanted it my whole life.

It's a lonely place and I appreciate seeing your message. I wish I could also find the archives of your days with Leta when she was a baby. Did you take them down?

Anyway, thank you.

Congratulations! My kids are 8 & 11 and I'm just now starting to feel human again and actually excited to be a mom.

Oh, and do yourself a favor and google 'mucophagy'. It's my most favorite word (despite being incredibly gross, especially the more sexual versions).

I am 30 and don't have any kids, but after reading this it makes me think "I want to have that exciting pre-Lagoon visit experience". Too bad it is one hell of a process to adopt a child when your gay :(

What a wonderful post. You're such an elegant writer. Yes, even when you're writing about your husbands farts.

Wonderful post. I'm sure you just made a ton of women cry and realize, again, that they are not alone.

It is an overwhelmingly beautiful feeling isn't it? Leta is a lucky gal to have such a wonderful and loving mom.

Thank you for reminding me why I love being a mom so much.

I'm new to your blog. I have a few compliments for you.... :)
1) You are hilarious. Seriously. Freaking. Hilarious.
2) You made me cry today. Witty and touching.
3) Lastly, I'm a huge fan....

Keep it up!! Thanks for your transparency!

Well-said, Heather. And I'm sure - somewhere out there - that it is definitely helping someone cope today.

Thanks Heather!

Four months ago my husband and I brought a sibling group of three into our home that we are adopting. (We also have a 12 yr old "bio" son".) It's nice to be reminded that there will always be a tomorrow.

Thank you for sharing. I don't have kids yet but the idea has scared me... okay frightened the living daylights out of me. Thank you for always being so candid. I love reading what you have to share.

What a beautiful post. That's it, that's all. Just beautiful.

Damb right sister!!

THANK YOU! I am so in that place right now and reading posts like this really does help. Just gives that little boost to get you through the next day, or hour, or 5 minutes. My daughter is nine months old now and we're weaning so I can go on antidepressants and anxiety meds. There are good days and bad days. But the older she's gotten, the more I've realized that I am just NOT an infant person. It sounds like I may be more like you, and as she gets older and can DO more, I'll feel more comfortable with this complete overhaul of my life and myself. So, anyway, thanks very much.

By the way, what happens when we're having a conversation AND she's screaming? (i.e., 13 or so, I imagine.) :)

Amen, Mama.

Just hitting the terrible two's with my youngest and my oldest is finally starting to behave. As long as one is good, I can keep it together. That's all you can strive to do as a parent some days, just keep it together.
Also, my 5 year old just slathered lip gloss all over her face this morning for the first time. I went to kiss her good-bye and said "Oh I don't want to mess up all that pretty lip stick, I better just kiss your head" My mom said "you mean gross green slime!" Thanks mom.

Heather, I have been reading your blog for a long, long time. Never commented before, and I'm not exactly sure why I picked this particular post to comment on now. Maybe it has something to do with my 5 1/2 month old son going through his I don't wanna be away from Momma so I'm going to cry all day phase. Maybe it has something to do with the different stages I have watched him go through and thinking how lonely it is for the both of us. And maybe it's just because I could never ever put into words just exactly how I feel about the accomplishments that he's made in the short amount of time he's been alive.

Whatever the reason, this post seriously touched me today. And I needed to know that there are people out there who have felt the same way I have. I, too, didn't feel an instant connection with him. I, too, wish to know what's going through his head at times. And I, too, stare in awe at the pictures from even just months ago and think "Wow, I made it past that stage."

Thanks for letting me know that we will make it. Leta is very beautiful and smart (and we only know a little bit of her)... I could only be so lucky to have Oliver turn out as well as she has.

Truer words were never spoken.

Wait till Leta gets to be a teenager...my daughter is almost 13 and the conversations we have blow me away. They range anywhere from what kind of style she thinks she has to how Barack Obama is going to be the change this country needs (that last one is absolutely true. She tells anyone who will listen why she likes Barack and why he should be the next president. It's awesome).

I think you are so incredibly brave for documenting the things you do about your daughter and about parenting in general. I know you've gotten a lot of shit for it, and I guess that happens when so many people run across what you write on a daily basis. You can't please them all. But what you do here helps numerous people.

On a side note, I LOVE that you document Leta's monthly birthdays. Sometimes I feel like I'm trespassing into a very private conversation, but I think what you're doing is beautiful. These will be invaluable to her one day.

I lost my mother a few years back and have a very precious few letters (and my baby book) that she had written me that I dig up when I'm feeling blue. I wish so much that I could tap into her thoughts and feelings she had while I was small. And that's exactly what you're giving Leta.

Didn't mean to get all morbid on ya, just wanted to share. :-)

GREAT message, and very well said (as usual). While I didn't suffer from PPD, I've struggled with mild anxiety on and off since I was a 'tween, and I know what a job that alone can do on a fragile state of mind, especially the simultaneously sleep-deprived fragile state of mind that so many new moms find themselves in.

I couldn't agree more that there truly comes a definitive point somewhere along the way as your child gets older and more aware of the world around him/her when you realize that they are no longer the constantly needy and demanding dictators they pretty much ALL are as babies, but they've become people unto their own right. The first time my now 5-year-old son and I had what I would call a "real conversation," where his input far exceeded anything he'd ever discussed before, it totally blew my mind and my heart skipped a beat and I thought I might die right there. It was exhilarating. And just the beginning. :)

Our relationship now has so much depth, and our conversations are so enjoyable and wondrous. You are right that it gets SO MUCH BETTER as our kids age out of babyhood and toddlerhood and into being thinking, empathizing, caring and curious little people.

On a parting note, I'm really glad that you chose to be honest and open and vocal about your battles with depression, specifically the hell you went through after having Leta. You've no doubt helped countless women just by sharing your experience, and that makes you a really cool cat in my book.

Well said. Thank you for putting into words what I could not. We're just seeing our way out of the terrible 3's right now. I've always tried to find something I absolutely love about each age/stage. But 3 is hard. It's where defiance meets reason, and it's hellish. Thanks for the reminder that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I didn't expect an estatic feeling after having children...which is why I think I'm a lot more relaxed about it than many of my girlfriends are. I didn't feel compelled to buy every baby product advertised in parenting magazine to be assured I was parenting right. I figured if the baby was fed and covered in something less irritating than a burlap sack, we were doing OK. I had happy babies.

But, now I've got three kids, boys, 14, 9 and 3. They are all HOME because of summer vacation and I AM GOING BATSHIT. They are bored and I am not interested in entertaining them. Today I've shoved them into their rooms with instructions to only come out if they've cut off a finger.

This has been my most difficult summer vacation so far. (My husband is home too, he's a teacher.) I've even had dreams where I beat one of them (husband included) to a pulp. I haven't yet pencilled in my calendar a time to beat them, but oh it's close.

I need a bigger house. I thank god I've had a tubal.

Oh, and depending on how open you are..I didn't realise when I was a early teenager that when I turned 21 I would be laughing with my mother, sharing a bottle of wine and laughing about small penis' and weird dates. I've even been clubbing with my mum!! She's my best friend and it definitley works both ways, you and leta are going to have a great mother-daughter relationship when she gets older.

Beautifully said :)

I have a little girl around the same age as Leta, and I've been marveling at the depth of our conversations lately, too. Its amazing! I didn't go through the same trials and tribulations you did in The Beginning, but this post made me want to go back and relive my experience through my own photos and journals. You have a beautiful way of re-telling past experiences, thank you for the inspiration.

I had a similar first year with my baby boo, and you are right about how very much better it gets. But I have a serious, real question for you: How can you be ready to get back on that horse and try again recognizing that you might have to go through the same experience again? Is knowing it gets better enough? I am so afraid of that - I want another, but I want it to appear at year 1.5 or so, fully formed, and then for us all to move on as a family. I really don't know if I can go through the pregnancy and birth and newborn-ness again and make it. I really don't. So this is a good post to read to remind me of the other side.

that was a beautiful post. i am a relatively new reader and i have to say, you keep me on my toes with the layers you reveal.

your sentiments about motherhood here are so on the money. my kids are teens, one already in college and it is hard for me to believe that i am at this stage. i remember them at Leta's age as if it were yesterday.

when they were 2 mos and 3.5 years i was walking down the street with one crying in my arms and the other literally wrapped around my leg like a monkey throwing the mother-of-all-tantrums. an older woman (probably my age now!) came up to me and said, "you will miss these days"

THAT day? no friggin way do i miss that day! but i get it. sounds like you do too.

Heather,

Thank you so much for all you share. I love your sense of humor, I know I can always get a little laugh from your blog. I teared up at the end of this one because I am one of those moms that needed to hear that, so I really appreciate you saying that! I hate to want my baby girl to grow up, but sometimes after I've done everything I can for her and she's still screaming I don't know what else to hope for besides that. Thanks again, your blog is great!

Please, oh please, post a picture of Ms. Leta covered in lip gloss ...

I don't have children yet (actually the thought terrifies me), but reading through your struggles, and the outcomes of those, inspire me to think that maybe, just maybe, I won't be horrible at it. (Though I may snap and lock them in the closet. I kid, I kid!)

Thanks for writing. And putting you out there - it isn't easy, but we appreciate it.

It's good that you let others know it gets better. Great post. :)

oh, lord! i don't even ~have~ babies and i'm all teary and ridiculous at the thought of how i just know that i probably wouldn't like a new baby. i would be scared, depressed and inconsolable, but then would fall so in love with her over the course of four years that i couldn't try and imagine my life without her. and you're saying i could be excited and happy every day about her potential? ...like giving selflessly to another is the secret to my own happiness?! what the hell, heather?!

so, geez. thanks. i'm going to have to re-rethink this self-centered, child-free decision.

...but in all seriousness, this is a gorgeous post. thank you.

thank you. please tell me your recent manuscript has something to do with how to make it to the other side.

For a very long time I felt like my parenting was based on sense of responsibility but not love or enjoyment. It seemed tedious and horrible and I couldn't imagine why anyone would have children on purpose. My daughter seemed to spend the first entire year crying - always always crying. Now that she's nearly 9 years old it seems hard to imagine when I didn't love her to pieces. It does get better. kim

this made me cry. in a good way.

I'm totally that mom ! Worked as much as possible when my son was small to keep busy, 10 years later stayed home with my daughter. I loved them both to pieces as babies but OMG grown up is BETTER !!!!!!!!Wait until she's 14 and publicly berates you !!! You'll want to kill her but thank GOD she didn't poop her pants too!

Thank you, Heather. And thank you Leta.

I cannot say enough thank yous to you and all the women who have started to come out of the closet about PPD. Now, when and if I have children, I'll know it's not abnormal to think you're losing your mind. I hope Leta continues to grow into a woman who knows how lucky she is to have you as a mom.

Thank you Heather for a great, honest post, and thank you post #69 for your response. Proof that we are all going through the same thing here, and we can all be there for each other.

Heather, this is what you were put here to do. The obstacles you have overcome in your life, were there for a reason. You were strong enough to deal with them head on (along with a very supportive husband) and in turn have been able to help others with your writing and WEB skills.

You should be proud.

I so needed to hear that. I actually filmed a tantrum that my 16-month-old had last night so that I could look back in a year and breathe a sigh of relief that he's finally over me not giving him the french fry that was deep inside the sofa cushions.

thank you, really.
thank you.

This post is exactly why moms should blog. I'm not a mother yet, though I'm feeling the ache of wanting a baby every single day. I'm scared of the realities of child-rearing, terrified that my future child's screams will make me want to go stick my head in a wood chipper. But this post, after reading all you've dealt with, gives me the brightest hope that it's going to be worth it after all.

Thank you Heather, posts like these are why I believe in the Internet.

That was a lovely post. You know, other than the snot. You continue to amaze me daily with your strength and determination. Thank you.

Thank you. It was really good to hear this today.
Sometimes it just doesn't occur, in the midst of it, that it does get better.
But when it does, the better is so much better as to make the bad seem almost worth it.
Thank you again.

I also have a 4 year old and I'm shocked at the conversations I have with her. My daughter is all about finding the loophole in the rules. For example...she knows she's not suppose to say "shit", so she'll come up to me and say "mommy, we don't say shit do we" or "mommy, shit is a bad word isn't it".

I didn't experience postpartum depression, but I'm a single mom and I've had my share of bad days. But then my little one comes up and says "mommy ship...shit...ship...shit...same!" and it's hard not to smile and realize all will be okay!

Thanks for the post Heather.

Wow Heather,
That actually gave me goose bumps and brought tears to my eyes. I am really jealous of your friends and family, I hope they all know how lucky they are to have you. You put things into such a wonderful perspective and I look forward to reading your posts each and every day. I love children and hope to have a few in the next few years. I have battled depression and wonder how I will ever be able to bring a child into this world. You have just given me the hope that it really will be okay and I will be able to do it.

Thank you.

4???????

Puh-lease. It gets SO much better than 4. wait til 6! 7! 10!

But 11 is tough.

What a wonderful post, the words a glimmer. I second every single thing you said, right down to the mental hospital. Thanks again for being so honest.

Oh. And my daughter is only 2 and already she insists on sleeping with her Princess Lip Balm. I'm afraid I'm raising a contestant on Flavor of Love: Season 17.

Great post. I was never able to have children, however, I met an awesome man who was raising two sons on his own and we happened to fall in love.

Much to the disappointment of my parents, we married and I raised these two young boys. They're now in their mid-20's and I have a 5 y.o. granddaughter who is amazing.

We were very lucky to have her for ten whole days at Christmas (she lives in St. Paul, "2 plane rides away"). My parents came through and this child had a Christmas that was totally out of control. On a pre-Santa visit to my folks, she comes running into the kitchen with a package that says her name from Santa. So now it's my fault because I didn't tell my mom she could read. In my defense, I told Mom to put the packages away so she wouldn't be confused.

I taught her air guitar, let her wear her favorite outfit for three straight days cause Nannies can do that (Ugg boots, black tights, and black "skinny" shirt). My son said she looked like a street walker. So then I took her upstairs, spiked her hair, taught her some more awesome air guitar moves, just cause I could.

And she was writing!! In her purple notebook with pink notebook paper, she asked me what I wanted her to write. I said how about the alphabet? She replied, "Upper case or lower case?" Blew my ass away. Then she sorta' got hung up around the "y" so I suggested singing the song. She asked what song? So, very off-key, I started singing the abc song. She informed me that was NOT a song and finished writing her letters, both uppercase and lowercase. She put me right in my place.

Long comment, but watching children at this age begin to process is amazing and scary. You and Jon are so very fortunate. And I do consider these young men I raised my sons and their biological mom and I have a very good relationship and have from day one. Though I don't understand why she didn't want to raise these two very handsome young men, I am so blessed to have met their dad and been accepted unconditionally by them.

Your post is my daily crack fix since I can't have coffee anymore. Even though I'm older, I relate for some reason, on so many levels.

And, for some reason, I'm starting to feel all liberal ....

God, I hate to burst your bubble. But just as you are chugging along, it's getting better, it's getting better just like the little engine that could. BAM ! Your kid turns 16- wants a license and talks about going to college. My son will be a senior this year and his cousin just left for college. As I think about these things the bile begins to rise in the back of my throat and I feel sick!!! You don't realize that when you have little ones and you think "oh that was the first time we did this together" That there will also be a LAST time you do that together.. Before you know it your baby is all grown up. Enjoy every minute !!

Sorry but I had to get that off my chest. I think you website is great. LOVE the pics, I look for them everyday !!!

Thank you. You may have been writing for me. My surprise pregnancy left me zombie depressed for the first few months, then in a tremendous state of denial, and now {11 days from delivery} inching back towards zombie land. I am counting on the idea that parenthood will be rewarding even if I never intended or wanted to experience it.

I am going to meet a little guy who gets to experience this amazing ride through life, first through me, then next to me, and finally in a Sunday phone call that I initiate while he is out there zooming through it on his own.

In the neutral moments {I have had litterally less than a minute of "excited"} I think it will all work out ok. In the zombie moments all I can do is apologize that I'm not interested/excited/happy.

Thank you for writing today, I needed to read what you had to say.

Thank you. That helps. My son is almost two. I had postpartum depression, but thanks to medication I am much better now, although sometimes with all the WHINING and the SCREAMING I feel like I want to jab my eardrums out with a pair of scissors. At times I get small glimpses into how great things can be in the future, but these times are usually punctuated with a lot of SCREAMING. It helps to read about what I have to look forward to.

Thanks - I really needed that.

Like so many others said, thanks for the reminders. I know that I love my 4-week-old, but I did not know how hard and complicated and not perfect motherhood would be.

I know exactly what you mean, it does get better. Throughout all of the 6 years I have been a mother, there were times when I would say it has to get better than this. The crying, tantrums, teething and no sleeping days bring you to tears at times, but yes, it does get better. My daughter will be 4 next month and our conversations are better than I have with most adults I encounter. As a matter of fact, all three of my kids carry great conversation skills.
I briefly went through post-partum depression after all of their births and let me tell you, you really question your abilities to be in charge of anyone, nonetheless a dependent baby. Also, for me, the ages of 3-4 with my children was so much worse than the "terrible 2's".

However, almost magically,there is one day that comes along where you look at your child or children and go, "Oh Shit, that's what it's all about!"

Thank you. Reminders like this are so important... One of mine is a beautiful picture of my 2 year old that I keep on my phone. He looks simply content and sweet and loved. I take it out and have a look when he's acting like the 2-Year-Old-Terror most parents have experienced. It's like counting to 10, but just replacing the numbers with his big, round eyes.

Remember, the journey is the reward.

Beautiful.

I understand what you are talking about..even though I'm not a parent. All my friends have young children under 10 years (the oldest is 8 and the youngest is roughly 3 1/2 months for being born). I always joke with them and say going to their house is instant birth control with all the sassying, crying and screaming. One friend lost her baby's father (soon-to-be husband) when her child was only a few months old. She says she doesn't have the mother gene and that she is afraid that her son will be damaged by the absence of his father. I have told her while it is a long hard road to raise her child by herself, she can do it and the child will be fine. Your story backed what I always said to her..even if you don't think you can do it, a true mother always will continue on. Leta is a lucky girl to have you as a mom :)

Kathie Lee Gifford, suck it!

Your blog is very inspirational. Thank you for always being honest and funny :)

We have a 5 year old. You understand. I love you!

Heather:

You are so beautiful to me!

Clare

I'm not a mother, so I haven't been through post partum depression, but reading this made my eyes well up with tears. I love to way you love your daughter and I admire your ability to be honest.

I think this is an important message to people who aren't parents, as well as those who are. Whatever you're going through, it'll be okay. We get through it when we have each other.

Thank you.

I've been trying to have a child for three years now, and your post struck me because so often, we baby-quest'ers get the idea that everyone else has it so much easier than us. I'm sorry you had such a tough time after Leta's birth. And I love how awesome you are as a mom now -- still keepin' it real (and hilarious), but with that mommy-love you once feared you wouldn't have.

I am in The Good Place right now but it took a year. I was also surprised because I went through so much crap and infertility and loss and did I mention crap in order to have him, and I thought that meant I would be deeply in love from the get go. I was decidedly not. But I am now. I am excited to be with him every day. Just in time to go back to work. Bleh.

Thank you for this gorgeous post. Seriously.
-Bri, your best friend in Brooklyn. Ha.

First just let me agree with everyone else about how lucky your little girl is. And how nice it is that you are appreciating all these stages of her life. I loved age four, and five, and six, and on up. I'm even appreciating them at 16 and 18. Each different stage brings such new steps for them and for us as parents. What an advocate you are. If someone was giving me a hard time, I would totally want you on my side.

That's the beauty of the medium, this writing on the web. Some women needed to read this today. They healing they receive from this post will give them a little hope, some courage to carry on. But months (or even years) from now, this post will still be here, living and breathing in the archives. And that mother--a mother who is perhaps just a teenager, now--will receive this same message and feel a smile return to her heart for the first time in months.

(Oh, and as much as love the new masthead, so bummed it doesn't say "Because of Napoleon's penis.")